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| We Have to Talk: 5 Bars for Your Break-Up
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September 30, 2009
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Things are going so well with Brad. He has a nice smile and a job, and your mom likes him. But then he puts on “a few” pounds, completely forgets your birthday and switched Gossip Girl to a Yankess/Royals game. In other words, it's time to drop the break-up bomb. To keep things civil, we suggest doing the deed on neutral territory: a bar, and a cheap one. If you're stumped, here's where to dump...
Perfect if: You don’t want to make a scene
Fearing your ex- is going to flip his lid? Retreat to the hushed confines and tasty pints of Burp Castle, the monk-themed bar known for insistence on low volumes. You can let him down gently (or at least quietly), safe in the knowledge that if Brad starts to get loud, the whole place is more than ready to shush him.
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Perfect if: You're the confrontational sort
In the short time this place has been around, it has developed a reputation for some particularly competitive rounds of beer pong. So, rather than go the conventional, “I’m so sorry” route (played out!), challenge Brad to a match. Then, choose a tense moment to make like Serena Williams and brandish the ball, shouting “I’ll shove this down your f***ing throat.” He’ll get the hint. Game, set and match.
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Perfect if: You’re looking to rebound quick
Soooo, it’s a sports bar in the Financial District with a stripper pole. Plus free shots on “Krazy Karaoke” Wednesday. If you can’t get back on that horse (figuratively) here, then maybe you should stay with Brad.
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Perfect if: You're incredibly passive-aggressive
This old LES hold-out still has the “Buy a Friend a Drink” board, so here’s a neat trick. Put your soon-to-be-ex’s name on the board, then, instead of buying him a drink, just write “we’re through.” Protest will be useless because it’s SO DAMN LOUD at this bar, you can just shrug until he storms off.
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Perfect if: You like allegory
Much like the concept of permanent brunch, romance can sometimes fall well short of expectations. Sure, Brad’s blue eyes are limpid pools, and yeah, how can you go wrong with artisanal bacon? But then you finally get your dish, and there’s just not a whole lot of meat there. You almost feel bad thinking it, but you were just expecting…more. You won’t even need to say anything, though—you’ll both just walk out that door knowing it’s time to move on.
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Soooo, where have you dumped someone lately?
Burp Castle, 41 E. 7th St., E. Village, 212.982.4576
Superdive, 200 Avenue A, E. Village, 646.448.4854
Exchange Bar & Lounge, 90 Fulton St., Financial District, 212.267.0079
Motor City, 127 Ludlow St., L.E.S., 212.358.1595
Permanent Brunch, 95 1st Ave., E. Village, 212.533.3315
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