We know you’re a funny bitch, but sadly there comes a time in everyone’s life when you have an off day—your usually razor sharp quips are leaving you feeling like a dull blade, and you’d rather be hiding under your duvet eating a can of Pringles and reading "The Nanny Diaries" than throwing down your trademark acerbic wit. OK, so maybe you’ve never been in a funk that raunchy before, but just in case, here are some dirty drinker’s jokes that will at least have your crew laughing at your absurd new sense of humor. Enjoy, but keep that can of Pringles nearby just in case they tell you to shut the F up already.
Pirate Jokes (Argh! Always a Crowd Pleaser)
A pirate walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks down and says, "You
know that you have a steering wheel in your pants."
The pirate replies. "Ay, it's drivin' me nuts.”
If you’re met with blank stares after this joke, just ask one of your guy friends if he’s ever performed “the angry pirate.” Throw an enthusiastic “argh!” in there for good measure. Someone is bound to laugh, unless you hang out with boring prudes.
Double Your Fun With Double Entendres
Three women had a very late night drinking. They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways.
The next day, they all met and compared notes about who was more drunk the night before. The first girl claims that she was the most drunk, saying, “I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks.”
The second said, “You think that was drunk? Hell, I wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don’t even have insurance!”
The third proclaimed, “Damn, I was the most drunk by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!”
The room was silent for a moment. Then, the first girl spoke out again, “Listen girls, I don’t think you understand. Chunks is my dog.”
After a few beers this might get a chuckle, but bestiality ain’t everyone’s bag, ya know? If anything, it’s a good reminder that there can be worse things than drunk driving and domestic violence.
Limericks (A Little Rhyming Goes a Long Way)
There was a young girl named Ann Heuser
Who swore that no man could surprise her.
But Pabst took a chance,
Found a Schlitz in her pants,
And now she is sadder...Budweiser!
Sure it’s a little lame (Get it? But wiser!), but the real punchline can be when you tell that shadestick hanging around you all night that you got your degree in poetry. That’s when the real hilarity ensues.
~Courtney Stoutamire
Photo courtesy of Dreamstime.com
