Ladies. There are so many things guys do wrong in bed. But how often do we check ourselves? Here’s a list of general (mis)understandings we have about what guys want, according to a few dudes who were eager to share with us.

1. Perfume and Deodorant

Men are much more “animal” than women when it comes to hygiene. While we take extra care to make sure we’re smelling like new rain before rolling in the sheets, men would actually prefer if we just smelled like ourselves. Our bodies, like men’s, secrete chemical compounds known as pheromones. It’s these chemicals that play a profound role in sexual communication, and we rely on the nose to pick up their presence. If we smell like fresh laundry before hopping in the sack, it won’t tell a guy anything. In fact it might call to mind images of the laundry room from his childhood home. Presumably not what we were going for.

Bottom Line: Men are 1,000 times less sensitive to musk than women, which makes it more important that we try not to cover up the “natural” scent of our bodies. (We’re not talking rank body odor here, just the way you normally smell without having put on a bunch of Calvin Klein).

2. Playing Submissive Jane

Men rely on us to move, to make noise, to give nonverbal cues for what’s working and what’s not. Just lying there is boring for him, and makes him think he’s hurting you. A guy is likely to lose steam when he’s not getting a response from you. He needs your feedback in the moment.

3. Refusing to Kiss Him During Sex

It’s good to be the boss. But when you’re holding back displaying your emotions so you can dominate him, he won’t understand. “Men like to be kissed, just like women.”

4. Sexy Lingerie

Men are visual creatures, so naturally we think they enjoy this. Truth? They don’t care much! Put on a corset with lacy, barely-there panties and he’ll definitely be pleased, but he’ll be more excited to take it off! Think twice about forking over the moolah for what amounts to clothing you’ll wear for a few seconds, only to throw on the floor.

5. Scratching and Biting

There’s a general consensus among dudes that this can be hot. Who doesn’t love a little roughhousing once in a while? The thing is, scratching and biting are easy to take too far, without even realizing it. Most guys would be happier if you didn’t rev it up to this level.

Jenn Flaa, author of The Happiness Handbook, knows a thing or two about joy. She went from being a chubby, miserable divorcee who owned a high tech company that was barely hanging on, to a successful CEO and lead singer in a rock band. When it comes to happiness, she says, making your man happy, your boss happy, and your family happy,  starts with yourself. Read on for her surprising insights. – Victoria Barton

TELL MEN WHAT YOU WANT I work in high tech and I’m a musician, so a lot of my friends are guys and I have two brothers, and they all talk about how they can’t read women’s minds, and women—especially around sex—don’t seem to share enough with their guy. Or, when women talk, they don’t get to the point right away, and the guy gets lost in the conversation. In the book, the idea is to help the woman really get clear in her life what makes her happy, what makes her mad, what she likes about sex, and get it to the place where she can have that conversation straight-on with her guy instead of beating around the bush, or expecting the guy to read her mind. I grew up thinking that if you were “the one,” you would know what I want. And yet, I don’t really have that capability for the guy. I think that you garner some of that over time in paying attention, but it’s not instinctual.

MAKE HAPPINESS YOUR OWN RESPONSIBILITY In the book, I talk about happiness being your responsibility. You can’t wait for someone to show up and make you happy, you have to know what makes you happy first. For instance, I love flowers. Having flowers in my home makes me happy, but I don’t have to wait for my guy to stop off at the store and grab some. I can go out and do that!  In the book, I have several different worksheets that you can go through, like “What are the top 5 things that make you happy?” There’s also a dating checklist that asks questions like “What’s your favorite color” or “What’s one of your favorite dates?” or “What’s your favorite type of coffee?” They’re all little things, but it’s the teeny things that matter when guys do them—those make the girl know that he likes you, and he’s paying attention.

DO A HAPPY DANCE The key is not just to tell him when he’s made you happy, but show him visually that you’re happy. That’s a mistake I made in my marriage, I’d say, “Well, thank you honey.” Men are so visual that the “Oh, thank you honey” did not enter his man-brain but since my marriage, if I light up my face, or I do a happy dance, you can see it register in their bodies that they got it. Then, it’s like scoring a touchdown or a winning goal or whatever they know, and they know they did a good thing and they’re more likely to repeat it once they get that positive reinforcement. It’s a good thing to experiment with.

In my talks, I’ve had some women, especially some of the women that are more reserved, say, “I can’t do it.” Here’s an example: what if a guy took you out to Arby’s, and you just love those roast beef sandwiches. So what if instead of doing a happy dance or anything, but what if you took a bite and you react by saying, “OH MY GOD that hits the spot!” They’re going to get that. You can experiment with when being visual in your happiness feels good to you, and still registers with the guy.

Once you start seeing the effect that your happiness has on guys, you’re getting the positive reinforcement that being more expressive makes the other guy happy. We tend to always want to make other people happy, so if just being happy makes the other person happy, then that’s easy.

Long-term relationships can get tricky. After the hassle of a busy schedule, finding time to be intimate without being exhausted can be difficult. Some avoid sex altogether if he or she doesn’t want to insult the other by waiting for the act to be “over with.” Others don’t want to be embarrassed by trying something new and failing horrendously. The rest are afraid that the attraction has simply been lost.

But let’s be real: would you stay in a long-term relationship if there was no attraction at all? Here’s a few simple ways to help you try to rekindle your sex life and feel like you’re back in the honeymoon stage. -Meryl Lumba

1. Spontaneity

Howard of the Big Bang Theory printed a 3D version of himself for his wife.

After a long day of work, week after week, it becomes incredibly easy to just crawl into bed next to each other and do your own separate thing. But whether you are reading a book in the dim light and your mate is skimming the Internet or playing a game, be bold and interrupt. Or surprise him with a gift! Be spontaneous! Nothing is more attractive and exciting than starting something fun and out of the ordinary.

2. Toys

Ross’ very own Princess Leia appeared before him.

For bolder folks, toys are a good way to go. There are many toys for both men and women that aid in stimulating, and there is truly something for everyone. Don’t forget to test your comfort level a little: instead of lingerie, try a strip tease or instead of handcuffs, try role playing. If ambivalent, remember that toys only help the intimacy you both already find pleasurable– you’re just pushing it to the next level.

3. Senses

Phil and Claire from Modern Family spice it up every now and then.

If you’ve been in a long term relationship, you know your partner’s turn ons. Enhance them by using his senses. If a particular lighting, scent, and fabric really excites him (or you!), try it out! Swap out the bedsheets for something more sensual and light up candles. For some, adding food into the mix might be interesting too.

Like Carrie and Aidan, many couples struggle with the question of taking a break or breaking up. While some consider a break to be an actual break up, others believe a break leaves a couple with some healthy time apart to reconsider their relationship. Here’s a few ways to help determine what direction you’re leaning towards.  -Meryl Lumba

1. Fights

Sookie and Bill of True Blood fought all the time.

Are you fighting over mundane things or fighting over choices that are heavily impacting your lives? In other words, there’s a huge difference between bickering at each other and arguing over what you wish the other would change about him or herself. If you’re fighting over who misplaced the keys, chances are you just need a breather. There’s nothing wrong with taking a break if talking it out just won’t do.

2. Comfort

Glee’s Brittany and Santana broke up shortly after Santana left for college.

Are you uncomfortable or annoyed by your partner’s presence? Time apart can truly help make the heart grow fonder– unless you’re uncomfortable. Your discomfort with him should be addressed: how and why exactly do you feel strange around him? This will help determine what both of you need.

3. Patience

Carrie’s relationship with her other beau, Big, was definitely trying.

Do you want to continue working on the relationship or is it worthwhile? If you don’t think it’s worth it, then a clean breakup is probably worth considering. If you want to work hard to try to mend or strengthen something bothersome about the relationship, taking a break to think about your next move is worthwhile.

4. Boredom

Haley and Dylan from Modern Family are a prime example.

Is the spark totally gone but you don’t want to break up? Perhaps a break can help you appreciate each other. If you think you’ll always find other people attractive or will find yourself in tempting situations with other potential partners, staying in a relationship is simply unfair to both you and your partner.

5. Relationship Status

We all know how messy Ross and Rachel’s relationship was.

If you’re mutually exclusive and have agreed that you don’t want one another to openly date, but need space, a break is in order. Either way, being clear about whether or not your decision is a break or a “break up” and what constitutes each can help you reach a decision. You wouldn’t want your paused relationship status to be inadvertently changed by a misunderstanding.

Cheating is quite common, especially for those who have been married a long time. Though most people want to be in long-term, monogamous relationships, human nature calls: we simply can’t help who we are drawn to. Note that that spark is not about honor and vows. It’s about attraction, which is a natural feeling. In fact, some argue that monogamous relationships are a social construct, making us abandon our more natural feelings. For those who are devoted to keeping a monogamous relationship though, fending off feelings of attraction toward someone other than your husband may cause feelings of guilt and resentment.

However, attraction to someone is completely different from acting on that attraction. But if you’ve cheated, here’s a few things to consider asking yourself to help figure out what you want to do next. -Meryl Lumba

1. Why did you do it?

Ben’s American Horror Story cheated on his wife because he missed her intimacy, which she lacked after a traumatic event.

a. If you cheated because… your husband once cheated (either in the relationship or in the marriage), think about the larger picture of your actions. Whether you did this consciously or subconsciously, “getting back” at your husband or justifying your cheating through your husband’s mistake doesn’t make anything okay. Ever.

b. If you cheated because… the person fulfilled a void (either emotional or physical or more), then you know what you feel lacked in your marriage. It’s your choice whether or not you want to work on what’s missing. On the other hand, you may feel that one person simply can’t fulfill all the needs you are looking for in a relationship. If this is the case, a monogamous relationship (especially a marriage) may not be the thing for you afterall.

c. If you cheated because… you “were getting a divorce anyway,” taking a closer look at your actions may help assess things. Whether or not the divorce had already been planned, this attitude shows that you either regarded your marriage in a cavalier attitude or you are trying to avoid feeling terrible about a relationship you had invested in.

d. If you cheated because… your husband “let you,” then the important thing is to be honest about your other open relationships (this refers to him too). This strays away from the monogamous factor that marriages imply, but every marriage is different, and if your husband is indeed under the impression that your marriage is monogamous and “lets you cheat once in a while,” or “just once,” reflecting on why this was okay might be important. This may not even be considered cheating for some couples, but if you have to ask whether or not your actions are cheating, then establishing some rules and boundaries with your husband is important.

2. With who?

Ross from Friends cheated on Rachel with a random woman after Rachel asked for a break

a. Was it… a random person, a coworker, a neighbor, your ex, your husband’s friend? Whether it was a drunken mistake or a meet-up, the person you cheated with matters too. It also reflects how long you may have been attracted to the person and how much you invested in a relationship that wasn’t with your husband.

b. Was it… planned? If you planned your hookup, or had been talking to someone for months, this may say a lot about how you felt about your marriage to begin with.

3. Do you want to make it work?

Currently happily married, The Game’s Melanie cheated once on her long-time partner, Derwin, because he cheated on her.

a. If you do… honesty is truly the best policy. You cannot expect your husband to continue to be honest with you if you keep this from him (regardless of your reason for cheating). It’s simply hypocritical. You truly can move beyond this– in any relationship– as long as both parties are willing to make it work and trust is re-established. If you’re scared that telling him will result in a divorce or separation, and in turn don’t tell him, consider the consequences: your marriage’s foundation is already broken, and keeping this from him will continue to make it so.

b. If you don’t… tell your husband. Even if you don’t plan on being with the person you cheated with, this person has clearly helped you make a realization about the current state of your marriage. Staying married to someone you are no longer on the same page with is not fair for you or him.

Ultimately, the point here is not to villainize anyone or to conjure feelings of guilt or to play the “blame game,” but rather, the point is to note that in order to move forward, honesty and acceptance of one’s actions are key.

Whether it was a long term relationship or just a fling, it can be incredibly difficult to shake away thoughts of your former beau. The void of his presence and messages start to become overwhelming, and every passing second seems to be an awful “association game” you play with yourself. But, like with any loss, breakups are hard to overcome. Here are 5 simple ways to help you get through the process and transform your woes to wins. -Meryl Lumba

1. Don’t Try to Replace Him

This is important. Whether you’re looking to go on the rebound or thinking about adopting an animal just to keep you company (by the way, bad idea),  remember that “replacing” him is never going to actually replace him. What’s done is done, and accepting what has happened could take a long while. Trying to bargain, compromise, or justify the breakup is not going to help with your moving-on process, no matter how long you’ve dated. Remember that there’s nothing wrong with spending time alone. In fact, this will help you build yourself back up.

2.  Go for a Run

Don’t stay inside and listen to Conor Oberst on a loop. Though some of us that have been dumped may think this process can bring about some huge revelation about the relationship, life is going on without us and is bringing the nice weather along with it. With the warmer weather approaching, you don’t even need to really go for a run. Power walk for a couple minutes and get your endorphins pumping. This is the best way to relieve yourself from stress, to feel less groggy, and to release feelings of excitement, which may be especially helpful if this breakup has been emotionally taxing.

3. Stay Busy

This is probably the quickest way to distract yourself from your negative thoughts. The important thing is to know when to stop. If you’re focusing all your energy at your workplace, burying yourself in that fashion is not healthy either. The workplace is not the only way to stay busy. Try visiting new places in your neighborhood, checking out new shows, reading new works, or making something for yourself.

4. Give it Time

As with all experiences, this too needs time. Think about all the instances you’ve gotten frustrated at a situation and acted in the moment. In retrospect, did that consuming feeling matter in the grand scheme of things? It’s difficult to step back and look at your relationship from another angle, but try. With time, you may begin to understand why things happened the way they did.

5. Do Things You’ve Always Wanted to

Whether it was to attend an art exhibit or to pick up a new hobby, take the time you would usually spend with him and channel it into something creative and worthwhile. Do something you’ve always wanted to do but never had the time and make sure to be proud of yourself for finally making strides toward your goals. Don’t forget to remind yourself that you didn’t need anyone to make these personal accomplishments happen.

Many women look back on their 20s and remember it as a time of confusion, broken hearts, amazing revelations, and independence. Whether you’re in the midst of your 20s or past them, here’s a list of the main points every quarter-century girl ought to know, and for women thirty and beyond, it’s something to reflect on. What else would you add to the list? Leave a comment and let us know. – Cass Daubenspeck

1. Put Your Needs First

While your 20s are a great time to try new things and have fun, it’s also the time for you to define what you want. What are your dreams, personally and professionally? Put your needs first. Start acting on them.

2. Respect Your Friendships

I can’t stress this enough. Do whatever you can to surround yourself with strong, amazing women you want to call “friend” – women who can be there when you least expect you’ll need them. While romantic relationships are important in this decade of realizations and change, friendships are the most important relationships you can have. If you neglect them, it will be harder to build bonds later on, when responsibilities like family, children, and marriages sidle their way in.

3. Learn to Walk Away

When a guy tells you he’s going to call and doesn’t, a friend fills your life with heavy negativity, or a boss is clearly mistreating you, learn to walk away. Explain why you are making the change, and then don’t look back. The people you walk away from will respect you for it, and the message you send is that this is your life, and you mean business.

4. Failure is an option

Everyone fails. The worst thing you can do is think that failing means you are a failure. Absolutely wrong. The smartest, brightest, most successful people are the ones who have failed, usually many, many times, before they became successful. The key is to fail as much as you can, as long as you don’t give up. (Just look at Oprah.)

5. Conquer Fear

Is your dream to start a fashion blog? Open a store? Live in South America? Do it now when you have little to lose. Don’t let fear be the reason you don’t act on a dream.

6. Be Confident. It’s sexy.

Everyone loves confidence. It’s sexy. Even if you don’t have it down pat, fake it. You’ll own it soon.

7. Embrace Alone-ness

Waiting for your soulmate can seem at times like you’re waiting for pigs to fly, but clinging to any guy who passes through will make the wait even longer. Learn to exercise self-confidence, and recognize when it’s better to be alone. One day you’ll miss when it was just you.

8. Let Go of Past Hurts

Regret happens. But the past can only dictate if you let it. Forget the past and keep your head and heart in the right direction: forward.

9. Take Control of Your Money

The first big step you can take in this area is learning how to do your taxes, and getting them right. After that, start thinking about your finances. How much do you make? Is it what you want to be making? Can you take care of yourself and save money for the future? Most women start thinking about their finances at this age and keep a close eye on where their money is going. Your 20s are a time to start planning for the unforeseen future, with or without a man to help you.

10. Don’t be afraid of serious relationships

Men are worse at this than women. But some of us decide to focus so much on ourselves and our careers that we opt out of potentially great relationships. It’s just “too much work” at a time when we feel we should be focused on more important things. Be conscious of this. Engaging only in short-term flings means you won’t have any mistakes to learn from later on when you meet a great man. Get involved with guys when it comes naturally, and work out the kinks of invested romance while you’re growing as a person. In your 20s, there’s no better time to learn.

While words work to clarify how he is feeling… body language actually can reveal more than his words can convey! We have outlined some of the basic body language cues to help you decipher what you guy is really trying to tell you. - Grace Texter

Direct Eye Contact When Listening

When you are chatting away to a guy, try to notice where his eyes are focus. You will know that he is interested in you if his eyes are focused on yours as you tell him about the crazy night out you had with your girls last weekend.

Dilated Pupils

The quintessential indicator of attraction. Why it happens? No one is quite certain yet, however, it is known that the pupils dilate when it is dark and when a person is attracted to what they are looking at. Also, it is thought that dilated pupils are sexually attractive! Wouldn’t it be great if we could dilate our own pupils on demand?

Smile, Head Tilted, Looking Up

Oh how cute! If you’re talking to a guy and he does this, he is being playful. Also, if he does this while teasing you, it’s a good sign, trust us.

Laughter

Laughter releases endorphins. Endorphins make you happy! Happy people… you know where I’m going with this. As laughter is an indicator of increase happiness and reduced pain and stress, it also indicates that the person’s guard has dropped. This means that the guy who thinks you are hilarious is also comfortable talking with you.

Active Listening

You can tell a guy is actively listening to you when his non-verbal reactions match appropriately to what you are saying. He may mirror your own facial expressions. He will nod and smile and his eyes will be sharply focused on yours, except when he looks at your lips, which often happens between male/female conversations.

Open Legs, Sitting

Known as a mainly sexual position, it is an exception to the point-with-leg rule because instead of pointing to the point of attraction with a limb, he is pointing with his crotch. It doesn’t get more direct than this. You are probably in a comfortable and casual situation if he is sitting like this in front of you, so you know where his mind is.

In this day and age, there are many varieties of relationships and by no means are they cut-and-dry. It is important to know the ins and outs of how to deal with these various relationships once you have found yourself engaged in one. For example, the “casual relationship” or “friends with benefits.” This involves someone you consider a friend or a good acquaintance who you are happy to have sex with without the emotional attachments. We have outlined the vital components of having a casual relationship. - Grace Texter

Decide what you really want

Make sure that what you really want is a casual relationship. If you go in hoping that this might become something serious, you should reconsider starting something casual; you might end up getting hurt if he isn’t thinking the same thing. Really evaluate how you might feel having casual relations and if you’re not positively sure it’s something you can handle, you might be better off looking for a guy who wants a girlfriend.

Don’t share too much

Casual relationships are confusing enough, you shouldn’t complicate them more by going around to all your friends and disclosing the crazy night you had last weekend with your boy-toy! Sharing some of the dirty-deets with your BFF is acceptable, but telling your entire circle of friends may come back to haunt you. One day when you all end up together at a gathering, your boy-toy might feel extremely uncomfortable when all of your friends are staring at him, their eyes saying ‘I know what you’ve done!’ just 10 minutes into meeting him!

Keep your family to yourself

As a rule of thumb, it is best to keep your casual relationship separate from your family. The last thing you want when trying to sail the smooth seas of casual benefits, is your parents prying questions about that boy you introduced to them! And besides, how are you really to define this relationship to your parents. “Hi Mom! This is Fred. We’ve been seeing each other but it’s not… serious. I mean it’s not exclu-… We just have… This is my friend Fred.” You might consider saving the parental introductions for relationships that your parents can fully wrap their heads around.

Stay Safe

At the start of a casual relationship, breaching the subject of past hookups and past medical infractions might seem a little premature. At this point, standard protection is an ABSOLUTE must! However, once you’ve been seeing each other for a bit, it is completely appropriate to discuss past experiences and hiccups that might be pertinent to your current situation. If you both feel comfortable beginning a more ‘intimate’ or ‘natural’ experience, get a full screening. The last thing you want are some ‘surprise visitors’ popping up to ruin your already crowded relationship!

Keep yourself open to other prospects

It is easy to get very comfortable within your casual fling. You’re friends, so it’s possible that you both share interests and love to hang around your apartment eating ice cream and watching Alfred Hitchcock movies! While this may be an added benefit to the casual relationship, don’t let yourself get into a funk. It may become a crutch you easily employ when you just don’t feel like getting dolled up and going out to a bar with your girls to scope out some men. You may think, “What’s the point? I have everything I need right here!” But your boy-toy is not there to nurture your romantic side or give you stability. Don’t let yourself get into an unhealthy routine with him. Let yourself see other men as possible long-term interests. You’re in a casual relationship! You can still play the field! Don’t close yourself off to other possibilities.

Be honest

The last but MOST important rule of being in a casual relationship is to be honest. The best thing you can do to keep this thing from getting messy is to tell him the truth about how you are feeling and what you want. If you hold back, someone might end up hurt. While it might seem like you are saving his feelings by not being blunt about your thoughts, it is really best in the long run to speak your mind. You both started knowing  this was casual, so there is no need to feel like you are leading him on if you suspect his feelings have developed more, as long as you address them immediately. This goes the same for him as well. You both are mature adults, so treat each other that way, you will both come away happier than if you keep your feelings from each other.

It’s a new relationship. So the romantic in you says money shouldn’t matter. But at some point, you’ll get tired of buying his dinner. Sooner or later, every  new couple will have a discussion – or fight – about money. It’s normal! Rather than focus on the troubles or who’s to blame, it’s better to consider how to make the uncomfortable discussion better, and, if you can, come out of it unscathed. Here are some things to consider when that first argument happens, and where you should go from there. – Cass Daubenspeck

1) What are your life situations?

The last thing you want is to judge a person you care about for their money issues. But are the issues long-term? Is your guy struggling with debt because he’s paying for school, or is he just a pothead? Consider his life circumstances before viewing his money issues as a character flaw.

2) Try to help him stay positive

If you’re willing to compromise and accept your guy’s money struggles, don’t use it against him in an argument. Chances are, he’s hoping you’ll help make those bad decisions weigh less heavily on his  life. There’s nothing good to come from getting angry and making him re-live his mistakes over and over. If you let money come between you, and force him to harbor resentment, chances are money issues will definitely win out over love. Decide where you stand, and avoid the temptation to bring it up when you’re mad.

3) Take control of your own finances

Re-establish your own money situation. Acting as responsibly with money as you’d like your partner to be allows you to stop worrying about him and become a better model for financial habits. Whatever you do, don’t force him to make huge changes he can’t handle. Move slowly. If you stay off his case, he’ll naturally ask you for advice, and let you be his guide.

4) Give him a chance

People need time to make changes in their life. And look on the bright side – dating somebody with financial limitations could be an opportunity to simplify your own lifestyle. Cut back on the shopping and the cocktail hours. Focus on enjoying other things that don’t require money. Be creative, but also be realistic. Set a time limit for yourself and see how you feel in a few months circling back.

5) Ask yourself what matters most

Are you in a place to not care about money? How your partner thinks of the material world and how they treat their money needs to be in line with your own ideas about happiness and the future. The romantic in you wants to not think about it, but be up front with yourself. It’s best for both of you.