I’m just going to jump right into this, because it’s not that complicated.
If you’re interested in a guy, ask him to coffee. Wondering whether or not you should wait for him to “move” on you turns dating into a game. Don’t think of dating as a game: it’s two people exploring their mutual compatibility. I’m not saying you should sleep with him on the first date (but if you want to, I’m not holding you back. Just use a condom). But if you’ve been chatting with a guy and feel interested in him, go ahead and say something.
Obviously, I’m not really talking about casual, meet-at-the-bar-and-go-home-together sex. Although I do have the same feelings about that, too — if you want to go home with a guy, don’t wait for him to buy you a drink. Offer to buy one for him. Don’t mourn the loss of traditional gender roles, even though you feel stuck in an awkward situation because of them.
Thinking that a guy isn’t worth your work if he won’t put in the work to ask you out assumes that men and women aren’t on an equal playing field. You wouldn’t want a guy to think that you’re not worth it because you’re not willing to put in the first effort — it assumes the same thing. It’s an idea that you should completely discard, especially if you’re looking for a committed relationship. Thinking like this turns dating into a game, which, as I said before, you shouldn’t.
Some women insist that they want to be “wooed.” Good for them. But they can’t get upset if a guy they’re interested in just ignores them, or stays firmly in friends territory. Sometimes you have to go out and find Prince Charming yourself, not wait for him to show up at your doorstep with a glass slipper that magically fits only your foot. Sure, eventually something will work out, even if you take the passive role in your relationship search. But I kind of like taking charge of my own life.
Oh, and after a few dates (or one date!), even if you took the initiative to ask him out, you can take the initiative to kiss him, too. Or he can take the initiative to kiss you. Or, maybe, you’ll have a magical moment like in the movies where you lean in to kiss each other at the same time. Worrying about whether you’ll seem too forward or thinking that because you asked him out he ought to be the one to initiate the kiss turns your budding relationship back into a game.
Does he think you’re too “easy” for kissing him? That’s ridiculous. Kissing a guy doesn’t mean you’re necessarily open to sex. And if he thinks that’s the case, maybe he’s not so good a guy after all. Being open to sex doesn’t mean you’re a “slut,” either, whatever that word means. It means you like having sex. Something that’s completely okay to like…even without a ring on your finger. It’s 2013, remember? Just be safe about it.
Similarly, kissing a guy means you want to kiss him. I’m not going to get into the entire slut-shaming issue anymore, I promise. But I don’t want you to feel ashamed for making the first move, whether you’re kissing him or leading him to the bedroom.
Most importantly, though, don’t worry about any of the advice you’ve heard on TV, from friends, on websites or in magazines — don’t even worry about what I said in this article. Do what you want to do, and what feels right to you. I’m all for making the first move (obvs), but if you really truly completely think that he absolutely must be the one to strike the match, then that is okay.
Guess what? You’re smart, you have common sense. Trust yourself. It’s okay if you make the first move, and it’s also okay if you prefer to insist on waiting for that cute guy who just smiled at you to walk across the room and talk to you.