Shecky’s

QUESTION:

“Guys: What’s the most crazy-stupid excuse you’ve ever used to break up with someone?

(And why did you use it?!)”

ANSWERS:

Mr. Young and in Love SEE BIO NOW>

Umm, from what I read on Sheckys.com, it’s you ladies that use the crazy-stupid excuses to break up with us! Unfortunately (although I guess fortunately, really), you can count the amount of break-ups I’ve had on two fingers.

Both times it wasn’t a full-stop dead-end break-up like you see on TV (does life ever work like that?), it was just clear that we were drifting apart, so we mutually decided to end it.

Mr. Loves Boys Too SEE BIO NOW>

It’s not you, it’s me. I know it’s the classic line. It’s stupid because we all know that it is YOU and not ME, and it’s stupid because we actually think that the other person believes it.

But it’s the best excuse to use when pretty much everything is not working. Usually relationships evolve over time and we end up forgiving many of the other person’s shortcomings. But, when you are faced with all the shortcomings at once, it makes it really hard to come up with a specific excuse to break up. I mean, you start dating a normal, somewhat attractive person and in three months, they have gained 20 pounds, stopped using deodorant, will only have sex during a full moon and eat boiled rabbit for dinner.

Okay, maybe you can say that you are really upset that they boiled the rabbit for dinner…but you can avoid the whole conversation about how good fluffy tasted and how excited you are about the new matching rabbit’s foot keychains by simply saying, “It’s not you, it’s me.”

Mr. Loverboy Rocker SEE BIO NOW>

I’ve definitely utilized the, “I need some time to focus my energies on myself,” or the, “I love you but this just isn’t the right time in my life,” but nothing compares to breaking up with my first girlfriend in sixth grade 24 hours into our relationship. I believe our first makeout session was charmingly called Seven Minutes in Heaven, and it solidified our “dating” status.

It all started after willfully “French Kissing” out of turn in a game of spin the bottle. I really liked her, but I couldn’t bear the kids at recess making fun of me for kissing a monkey. Apparently she had really hairy arms. By high school, she had waxed her arms and was one of the sexy cheerleaders. I screwed that up.

Mr. Noncommittal SEE BIO NOW>

I’m too lazy to make excuses, so I’m all for the “fade out” method. I simply disappear from the unwanted woman’s life. I don’t answer her texts or calls. I block her on Facebook. If she’s a really crazy psycho, I completely change my routine. I might even walk to the Starbucks that’s five minutes, not one minute, from my office to avoid possibly seeing her there in stupid-big sunglasses, waiting to confront me

Why? The truth is sometimes I don’t have a good enough excuse. I’m just bored of her and don’t feel like having the whole “it’s not working out” talk and then have her try to save it or have us go on a “break” where I try to get with other women and she cries about it.

GIRL TALK TIME: What do you think? What’s the worst excuse you’ve ever given to get out of a relationship? What’s the stupidest way a guy has ever called it quits with you?

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