“So, it randomly came up with my guy about how many people we’d both slept with, and I was completely honest.
I haven’t slept with a lot of people (around 10), but his number is half of mine.
I feel like it REALLY bothers him. I’ve tried talking to him, telling him that was all in the past, etc., but he just shuts down and doesn’t respond.
I’ve also tried to avoid it, but he’s brought it up in a not-so-positive light, randomly. Help!”
Mr. Young and in Love SEE BIO NOW>
I can understand why he’s upset—the higher the number, the more precarious the relationship seems. If he knows that you’ve slept with twice as many people as him, that’s twice the amount of failed relationships, or twice the amount of people that you’ve for whatever rejected. You can tell him “But YOU’RE the only one for me” all you like, but the higher your number is, the less likely it is that he’ll believe you.
Imagine if you bought a new camera, and it broke. You take it back to the store, they give you another one, and tell you, “Sorry—we promise you this one will work.” Now, imagine the new camera breaks again, and they give you another one, and they tell you the same thing, “Sorry—but this one will work.” You’re less likely to believe them, aren’t you? It’s the same with the amount of people you’ve been with or relationships you’ve had—the more you’ve had, the more you’ve had break.
In terms of advice, I guess there’s not much you can really do—the only real way to solve this is with time and to let him accept the amount of people you’ve slept with. The only thing that may help is to point out valid reasons why your relationship is better than the last 15 or so you’ve had. But if you’ve only been dating for one or two months, and you dated 10 out of your last 15 guys for 1 or 2 months, then he’s going to have an underlying fear that he could just be another number.
Mr. Loves Boys Too SEE BIO NOW>
As Dan Aykroyd used to say to Jane Curtin on Saturday Night Live, “Jane, you ignorant slut!” It got a good laugh on SNL— but maybe not when your boyfriend is yelling it at you.
For future reference, this is one area where you ALWAYS lie. To this day, when I ask my sister in-law when the first time she had sex was, she always starts with, “Hmmm, let’s see, your brother and I got married on….” Now, I’m not saying that you tell the guy that you are a virgin—that might freak him out more than the actual number—but always chop your number in half! Better yet, try to get his number first and then come in with a number just below his.
Either way, the cat is out of the bag (yes, pun intended), and now you need to deal with it. I think you just need to be up front and say, “Yes, maybe I’ve been ridden more than Seattle Slew, but now I’m with you and you are the only one I care about.” Then, agree that it is either 1. Not important and the two of you won’t be bringing it up again in any context or circumstance or 2. Really important to him and you’ll be moving on so that he can go find a “good girl” from the local nunnery. By the way…”around 10″?!? I’ve only been with 4! Oh, and, hit me up if you are looking for a bridge to buy—I’ve got a great one that goes to Brooklyn.
Mr. Noncommittal SEE BIO NOW>
Well, I can’t put myself in that position because…I’ve never been there. If I met a girl with the activity level I’ve had, I’d probably have her go through a full body radiation scan to see if she was carrying anything. Although no guy wants to find out that his girlfriend or date has slept with more people than Mötley Crüe on Viagra, at a certain age, you can expect her number to be more than a church librarian’s.
Sex is sex and love is love. Some people really crave the physicality of sex and to them/me, I praise you. Don’t deprive yourself of what you want. On the other hand, sometimes honesty is NOT the best policy. Use a little judgment before telling him that you were trying to break the land-speed record for sex before you turned 30. Perhaps you can claim you don’t even remember the names of most of the guys you slept with…tell me how that one works out for ya.
Mr. Loverboy Rocker SEE BIO NOW>
I feel what you’re going through. My ex-girlfriend had only slept with one other guy, and I had slept with nearly 15. Plus, she was two years older than me! The funny thing is, she was proud that she hadn’t slept around much and turned things around on me by calling me a slut if the topic ever came up.
I’m by no means a slut, but I did have a few one-night stands that I would have been better off avoiding. So, her comments made me feel worse than she could have felt from any jealousy. She was more curious as to why I slept with a fat girl in a pool, and regularly made fun of me for it, but that’s beside the point.
In my opinion, he’s probably just jealous that you have more experience, and he may be worried by the fact that you have a number of men out there with whom you’ve connected with on a sexual level. You have the upper hand in that respect, and it makes him feel vulnerable.
He doesn’t have to feel that way. It doesn’t help dwelling in the past. You and your boyfriend connect now for who you are and for who you’ve grown to be. Let him know that, and reinforce that you don’t think about men from your past or compare him to anyone. He needs to feel special; as though he is the only one you’ve slept with. You wouldn’t be who you are now if it weren’t for getting some sexual experience under your belt (literally), and vice versa for him. We all did what we did in the past because it makes us who we are now. Any mistake was likely a learning experience, and any relationship you had helped you learn about your emotions and who you are. Tell him these things so it doesn’t eat away at him in the future, and most importantly, don’t let it bother you.
GIRL TALK TIME: What do you think? Have you and your guy had this chat yet? Were you honest or did you lie? What do you think of these answers?
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