Sent via our form: I have an STD…and it’s not going anywhere.
I’m dating a new guy and I really like him.
We’ve only made out so far, but it’s been a few weeks and I’d like to get intimate with him.
How do I tell him without scaring him off?
Mr. Young and in Love SEE BIO NOW>
Well, this is certainly an awkward question isn’t it. But I don’t think you need to be TOO worried, because at the end of the day this is a problem that a remarkably large amount of people have. Something like 20% of Americans have herpes alone, not to mention all the other STDs that our sexually liberal generation passes around. That means that when you stand in a crowded subway car, there are at least 20 people in a 12-foot radius that have got something wrong down there. Or, to make it more real, one of the cast members from How I Met Your Mother probably has an STD (I’m guessing Barney Stinson…).
But if he’s a good guy, he should be fine dealing with it. Even though we seem cold and insensitive sometimes, we get that like having your time of the month, there are some things you just can’t help. So I say bravely rock up to your man and say, “I heard you were looking were for a stud—I’ve got an STD, and all I need is u.” And if that fails and he does break up with you, then hey, there’s still a one in five chance that you’ll meet someone else who shares your predicament!
Mr. Loves Boys Too SEE BIO NOW>
Dating was never difficult in the “gay world” until the arrival of HIV. Over the course of my dating career, I dated several guys who were HIV positive. It can be a bit overwhelming and scary to date someone who has an STD, since it only takes one night of drunken debauchery to forget protection and spread the disease, which neither of you wants.
The time to have the conversation is definitely before you have sex. The talk needs to be both emotional and clinical. It should go something like, “I really like you and I want to take our relationship to the next level. Before we go there, I want you to know that I have (insert appropriate STD here). It is not curable, but I can control it using (insert appropriate method here). It could be passed on to you if we (insert transmission method here). If and when we have sex, to keep you from getting the STD, we need to (insert preventive method(s) here).” Then, agree that both of you will be responsible and use the preventive methods discussed any time you have sex.
I don’t know what kind of reaction you will get. I hope that your new guy will be understanding and mature enough to deal with a partner with an STD. If he’s been around, he knows that there are plenty of STDs out there and you stepping up to protect him is more consideration than he’d likely get with others. The only time I ever broke up with someone over an STD (he was HIV positive) was because he didn’t tell me until after we had slept together on several occasions. To his credit, he always ensured that we used protection—but I felt I should have known before we had sex.
Mr. Noncommittal SEE BIO NOW>
Wow…that’s a tough one. A girl once told me that she had herpes and honestly, I couldn’t deal with it. You’re in a really rough place on this one. On one hand you must be honest and tell him, but on the other hand there is a good chance that he will bolt. Unfortunately you are in a situation where the ramifications of your unprotected sexual behavior are catching up with you.
The motto is, “If you want the love, you gotta wear a glove.” I feel for you on this, but don’t take it personally if he takes off. Just, whatever you do, don’t lie. If Paris Hilton can still score guys with her Valtrex dependency, there’s hope.
Mr. In a Relationship SEE BIO NOW>
Be honest, nothing else you can do. I’m sure having an STD is tough to deal with, but people do it. Be straightforward and tell the guy that you understand that it’s a difficult issue and that you are totally open and willing to approaching the problem. Assure him that you will handle it as safely and easily as you can.
If the guy really digs you and you can come up with safe alternatives and precautions, then maybe you are okay. If not, then move onto the next guy and hope for the best. If two people are really into one another, I would think most mature adults could handle this situation and work around it.
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