I Cheated. Should I Tell My Boyfriend? How?
QUESTION:
“I cheated on my boyfriend, but I still really love him. It was a one-night stand thing and I really didn’t mean it. I will never do it again and I feel really guilty.
I want to be with my boyfriend forever, but I also want to be honest with him. Should I tell him or keep it a secret? If you think I should tell, how should I do it? I don’t want to lose him.”
ANSWERS:
Mr. Loves Boys Too SEE BIO NOW>
The easiest way to fix this is to jump in your Delorean, activate your flux capacitor, go back in time, and NOT CHEAT! Of course, as far as we know, that is only possible in the movies.
So, some realistic things to consider are—for starters, what you want out of your relationship. Maybe you need or want an open arrangement or a “swinger” approach. There are plenty of couples out there who thrive in this type of setting. You’ll need to lay out the ground rules for things such as frequency, what is allowed (sleepover vs. get out!), protection, disclosure, etc… But if you are really looking for a “committed” relationship, it is likely that “cheating” was not expected.
You must also ask yourself, “Would I want to know if he cheated?” And, “What would my reaction be in the same scenario?” If you do decide to tell him, expect the same reaction, quid pro quo. Moreover, expect that he will not trust you for a very long time. Maybe even for the remainder of your relationship. Even if it lasts 50 years.
Also: If you keep it a secret, will you be able to live with yourself? If you keep it a secret, will he eventually find out? Know that if he does, your relationship is definitely over. Finally, keep in mind that, “The truth shall set you free.” And, while this truth may set you a little bit freer than you had planned, I still think it is better than living under a cloud of secrecy.
Mr. Noncommittal SEE BIO NOW>
Keep that shit to yourself. If and I do mean if, you really do want to be with him and him only, there is absolutely nothing to gain from telling him what you did.
On the other hand, I think you’re fooling yourself about not being a cheating ho. Once a cheater, always a cheater. I’ve never cheated on a girl I was in love with, but I have cheated on every girl I wasn’t in love with. If you’re a guy and you’re in love and she’s the one, you keep it in your pants no matter how hot the temptress might be. If you’re a girl who cheats, either you’re a nympho ho who can’t keep it out of her pants or you really don’t give a damn about him.
Just put the relationship out of its pain and end it. I don’t believe in slip-ups. Be honest with yourself, sleep with whomever you want and be happy. That’s what I do, and I’m having a great time.
Mr. In a Relationship SEE BIO NOW>
This is a slippery slope question. No one wants to believe that their partner would be capable of cheating on them and keeping them in the dark, whether it’s a one-time thing or a weekly affair. That being said, there are probably plenty of relationships out there where a partner made a one-time mistake, kept it a secret, and went on to have a healthy monogamous relationship.
Therefore, you have to gauge whether you can live with this secret and move on. If the answer is no, then I’d say it’s a toss-up whether the guy will stay with you or not. If you tell him, don’t include details, but do explain why you think you are a great couple, and how you think you can both put this in the rear view and move on.
Mr. Young and in Love SEE BIO NOW>
So what you’re asking is: “How should I tell my boyfriend I cheated on him without him breaking up with me, or should I just not bother telling him?” It seems like you’re looking for a way to get out of doing something horrible without any consequences.
That said, I think you have to tell him, because these things will ALWAYS come out eventually, and it’s better to be a cheater than a cheater and a liar (albeit only slightly). Whatever you do, don’t be patronizing when you tell him. Don’t cook him his favorite meal or be unnaturally nice in hopes of softening him up, because that’ll make things infinitely worse. Just sit down with him, tell him, and have a proper discussion about WHY you cheated on him (because even though you said it was a one-night stand, there must be an underlying issue in your relationship that caused you to stray).
But you’re going to have to accept that you’ve done something terrible and there’s fair chance he’ll break up with you for it—that’s karma. However, if you don’t tell him, you’re lying to him in order to be with him, which shows that you don’t love him at all.
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65 Comments
Post a CommentI would not tell him. Its important to be honest in a relationship but if the info is more damaging and hurtful. Then keep it to yourself. You were the cheater and if you feel guilty about not telling that comes with the consequences of bad desicions. So take it to the grave. But you will cheat again if you don’t get your needs met by your boyfriend. Maybe you need attention, affection, time, communication, or better sex. Your relationship is lacking something if you had your needs met by someone else. Ant way good luck
I just cheated on my boyfriend last night. It was really awful and now I am so upset I can hardly see straight. I was under the influence and I had previously talked to my boyfriend how I feel unfulfilled because I am barely 18 and have been in a serious relationship with him for 2 years. I love him so much, but with my lazed judgement I made a mistake. But I have been talking to him about an open relationship for months and how I need things that he can’t give me, experiencing things that I just feel I need to experience. However I understand I went about it wrong by just going out and cheating, but I didn’t plan it. Not to mention I had been telling this guy I wanted to keep things STRICTLY platonic, but obviously that didn’t happen. I plan to tell him tonight when he comes home, just straight tell him why I felt the need to be with someone else and what happened. Did I mention I have also showered 4 times since? It has been less than 24 hours. I regret it all.
I cheated on my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years and it was one of the worst things I’ve ever done. I felt horrible, and the guilt absolutely consumed me, but I didn’t tell him to ease my own pain. He deserved to know, and I respect him and love him too much to keep a lie living.
I told him knowing that there was the possibility I would lose him forever (this was the hardest part) but hoping and praying for us to work through it. It’s been a very rough recovery, but we made it through and are now closer than ever. I don’t even look at other guys now and I feel like I lost that bad part of me after telling him. I’m the luckiest girl in the world for his forgiveness.
People aren’t perfect. A single action doesn’t define who you are. The hard part (telling the truth) shows respect and maturity. If you don’t have that, you aren’t ready for a real relationship.
OH…and DON’T do it again.
i would tell. its better for him to hear it from you than someone else. and if you wait, the result will become worse.
the truth always comes out in the end your better off not lying
I would tell, couldn’t live w/ myself not telling
I would tell him. something isnt right there and you need to talk to get it out into the open. always be truthful in any type of relationship you have. hurts you more to hold onto secrets.
You are not married you dont have to tell them nothing!!! Sorry I have been with the same guy since 96 have 3 kids. He has cheated on me who knows how many times,lied about it. He left me and 3 kids with no car out in the boondocks. Then had tryed to get his father to throw us out of mobile home so him and his girlfriend can move in. that only last 3 month cause he finally realize what type of person she was. but come to find out she was going to have his kid in nov. I was 23yrs old when i got my license with his mothers help. He was piss when that happen. I have never cheated on him but he has and still does excuse me of cheating. so take it to the grave!!!
No offense zaj, but from that story – I wouldn’t be taking any relationship advice from you.
If you are cheating maybe the bigger issue is you don’t love him as much as you say you do. If you really loved a person fully then you wouldn’t need to run around with other people, and you would be fully committed to that person! If I were you I would think about why you did what you did not if you should tell him!
Why lie? Your gonna end up being caught anyways, lies just make it worse. I have not and will not cheat on anyone. I’ve been cheated on too many times to count so thats why I wont. If they can’t please you, leave them. Dont go sneaking around!
I think she should tell
NO! Telling is selfish. It’s not to make him feel better; it’s to ease your own conscious.
Not telling is even more selfish dude. You got it all backwards. By not telling, you’re lying, and proving to be untrustworthy. If he or she breaks up with you, its YOUR own fault, you deserve it, you chose the path of cheating. plus you’re being unfair. You chose to cheat and betray your partner. Now it’s your partner’s turn to choose, whether to stay with you or leave you. Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time.
what do you tell the man who accuses you of cheating when you never did??? i have devoted my life to this man for 22 years… he refuses to believe me. i just don’t know
Cathy, so sorry to hear that! Try seriously talking with your guy and see WHY he thinks that you are cheating. When you hear why, work it out and try to disprove all of his thoughts. Talking thing out and laying it all out on the table can help clear the tension. If you still can’t trust him/he can’t trust you, that’s pretty heavy. Sometimes, it might be best to move on as hard as it may be. Do you think it’s something you could Ask Our Men? What do you ladies think is the best way to handle this situation?
Chances are, he’s cheating on you. Sorry to be blunt but he’s taking the focus off himself and putting on you. When you are constantly open about what you are doing and on the defense, he’s out of the spotlight. Start paying attention and stop being so defensive of what you know you aren’t doing. Betcha wont like what you find.
Mr. Noncommital said it best
Right- calling a woman who made a one-time mistake a “cheating ***” certainly is saying it best. What kind of woman agrees with a misogynist?
She is a whore, and I don’t feel that he’s a misogynist. He’s honest. Something this girl who cheated, obviously isn’t.
No need to tell. Just break up with him. If you cheat, it’s not meant to be and you will again, eventually. Not to mention it’ll end sooner than later whether or not you tell him.
Wait until you find someone you could NEVER do that to. It’ll be worth the wait. In the meantime, do what you want…as you clearly did anyway.
I was in a long term relationship where I thought I loved the guy and wanted to be with him forever. But he was verbally abusive and my self esteem was shot to hell.
I cheated on him once with a guy I met online. He never knew and I never told him. A few years later when I had enough and finally left him, I still never brought it up. I had realized that I had lost my love for him and if I could do something like that we were not meant to be.
If you stray even if for one night I think your relationship is not that strong.
i think you SHOULD NOT tell him…..yes, if things were reverse i would want to know, and probably so would you ,….but the point is that you love him…you regret what you did, and HE DOESNT HAVE TO KNOW, you will only hurt him more…just forget about it and just tell him in case he cheats on you lol ONLY IF HE DOES!!!!
Well if you truly loved him, you would not have cheated. He deserves to know. You just don’t want to face the consequences. Relationships need to be built on trust and honesty. Plus lets consider a situation. Lets say he knew, but he wants to test you on whether you’ll be truthful or not. He will be hurt even more if you don’t tell. And don’t use that excuse of “he’ll be hurt if he knows”. Like I said earlier, you just don’t want to face the consequences. Aren’t you also trying to make yourself feel better by NOT telling. That’s really selfish. If you truly care and love him, you would not have cheated in the first place and you would be HONEST with him. If he breaks up with you… You FULLY DESERVE it. If you cheated, why should he waste his time and heart with you.
Honesty is always the best policy. If u decide not to be forth coming, it’ll prob bother ur conscience. For some reason major things like cheating always gets found out. If it’s true love on both sides u have to trust that he’ll forgive u.
U don’t ever lie- just don’t tell everything you know…
Never tell, for so many reasons..
My two cents- cover ur tracks. Get tested. Make sure all tests come back negative and take that secret to the grave. If it was a one time thing and it never happens again keep it to urself. Becuz if u tell him he will never be able to trust u again, he will break up with u becuz a males ego is just too big to willingly stay in a situation where he has been cheated on. He will have built resentment and may will feel a payback is in order and will always cheat on u, all becuz u no longer have his respect or trust. See to u its a HUGE regrettable mistake and ur still the same person but in his eyes u have become the girl he once respected and trusted to nothing more than a nasty slut and he will never b able to get past that so take that secret to the grave.