Why It’s Actually Over When You Need a “Break”
In modern dating times, I have noticed an emerging trend—“the break,” a sort of relationship purgatory. There are many reasons why a couple enters this wishy-washy covenant. They may think it’s over but be too chicken/scared/whatever to admit it. Perhaps one party wants to put the other “on hold” for a time that is more convenient—and in the meanwhile use the break to hook up with whomever they please.
Some couples enter this break-y phase with an optimistic outlook. “Let’s reevaluate after the summer, 30 days (cough, after I’ve hooked up with other people and decided that I want you back).” My outlook? There’s no such thing as a break. You might as well just call it quits for real.
Exhibit A: Junior year of high school. I date a popular senior (“nickname: Balls”) who can DRIVE A CAR (a Ford station wagon!) and gets invited to COOL PARTIES. OMG, I am so cool. He has “never felt this way about someone before” (cool status rising!!). Two months in, I’m ditched. The reason—“I have wrestling season, so I’ll be busy. Can we get together again when I’m less stressed during lacrosse season?” Oh, a break!
I am so, so understanding and encouraging of his wrestling, er, career, and we agree to remain friends during the break. Until a mutual pal calls that weekend and tells me that Mr. Varsity Athlete has been spotted with a new girl at one of those cool senior parties I’ve been disinvited to. Um, why couldn’t he have just told me it was over?
Exhibit B: My once-sweet college boyfriend does a 180 and decides he cannot make the 20-minute drive to see me anymore. He says, “This is too much for me and I need a break. You’ll understand when you’re older.” He is one year and 10 months older than me, but okay. I agree to breakdom. We never go over the rules, so for me the “break” includes remaining moored in my bed and writing sad poems, and then making out with a bunch of my guy friends at bars over the course of two months.
Eventually, Old Man and I try to rekindle. When it comes up that I have kissed (hey, not had sex with!) other men, I am called a few choice words. Eventually the relationship ends. He was crazy (as shown by “older” and “20-minute driving inability” points) and it should have been over as soon as he cried “break.”
I’m no lawyer, nor do I play one on Law & Order, but I would say that all evidence shows that breaks do not work, at least for me. I’m the type who thinks that if there are problems, both parties must be honest and committed to solving the problems together. If a “break” must be granted, I think a few days of thinking instead of an undefined period should be the remedy. Case in point: my current boyfriend asked for a break once. He still loved me, but wanted to be “friends,” he said. I told him he couldn’t have both, so he ended up staying with me and we worked it out.
So, ladies, believe me from other experiences (whole ‘nother story), dragging a relationship out when you’re not emotionally “there” is exhausting and a waste of time which could be spent discovering other great people. And next time a guy offers you a “break” don’t hang on like a pathetic loser (I was one in Exhibit A and B). Tell him you’d like to tough it out together or call it quits. There are no gray areas for me. Case closed.
-Cait Rohan
GIRL TALK TIME: What do you think of relationship “breaks”? Have you ever taken one? Was it your choice or his? What happened? Do you think they work or not?
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Post a CommentI’m still learning from you, while I’m trying to achieve my goals. I absolutely enjoy reading everything that is written on your site.Keep the stories coming. I enjoyed it!
I’ve been with my boyfriend for seven years. I’m not going to say that I don’t love him, I do, just like many of you have said you love your men. The thing that was beginning to irk me is the fact that he isn’t allowing the relationship to progress further. What I mean is, after seven years of dating nothing has changed since the first year (well, the first 8 months, after the “I love you” part).
I’m not going to lie and say that our relationship is a disaster, but it’s definitely not easy. Our “bumps” in the road were steep mountains that, at times, felt impossible to climb. We saw it through. Well.. I saw it through.
I’m not innocent. I did my bad like he did his, but he did his more often. We were supposed to get married two years ago, but his family threatened to disown him so he retracted his proposal. We were supposed to get married again last year (with his mothers blessing) but a month before our wedding date, his mother had a crises at work (there was a possibility the company was going to go on strike and she’d be forced to work 7 days a week, 5AM to 9PM) she he made me cancel the wedding again. I was understanding (to a degree) about that. I’d never ask someone to risk their livelihood.
Recently I have been having difficulties seeing a future with him, since every time we’re about to take a step forward, either he or his family find a reason to stop it. When I expressed this to him (not bringing the fact that I felt his family was part of the issue) he became angry. We argued everyday for a week. He kept telling me that WE weren’t ready. I corrected him on that, told him that HE wasn’t ready. I explained I wasn’t angry with him and all that jazz.
Yesterday we got into another argument (it’s been about five days since our week-long argument) and I just couldn’t handle listening to him blame me for the problems in our relationship. It happens constantly, got to the point where I felt as though I was an inconviencence to him and even told him that. When I did, he assured me it wasn’t my fault. He was sooo sorry for making me feel that way, it wasn’t his intention…Whatever. How could it not be your intention to make me feel like I was the problem when all you ever did was tell me I was the problem?
I told him I wanted a break. Why? Because I want a break. I don’t want to break up with him, I don’t want to see other people. I want a break so that we can both take a step backwards and evaluate our relationship. Give us both some breathing room, without the worry of our relationship dangling over our heads, to see if our being together is what’s right for us. To me…A break is not a break-up, it’s not a cowards way of quitting a relationship; it’s just a method used to help couples get a better grip of their situation.
Sure, some people will use “the break” as an excuse to leave their relationship, but I’m not really the shy type. If I wanted a clear break-up, I would have told him that.
My lovely man’s response to my wish for a break? “Fine.” Followed swiftly by the dial tone. Who knows, like I suggested in the paragraph above, maybe I’ve given him what he was too cowardly to say to me. My “break” might have been his “break-up” though that was not my intention. I suppose time will tell.
In case you’re wondering, I’m 26 years old and he is 28.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and just recently we have been arguing a lot over stupid little things and just the other day he told me that he wasn’t happy anymore but that he still loves me. I’m leaving for Europe in about a month and he suggested that we take a “break” while I’m away, I just don’t know what to do .
I am going through something similar. I went from telling my bf I want a break because he kept lying to me and we needed to step back because I kept giving him chances. He pleaded me not to do this but I was so angry for all the lies. After about 2 weeks I wanted to talk we did and I thought things were all better I mean by us working on things and realizing what we needed to do. We said it still would take time but we both new we love each other, and then after i saw him and discussed this a couple of days went by and I asked when Id see him he said he didnt know he would let me know. Then another couple days and same thing so I said I thought we were passed this he said well im taking things slow its what you wanted, I said yes for us to step back but how long is this going to go on. He never gave me an honest answer and when I ask have you had a change of heart of some one else he says no its just to see if were for real and to work on somethings. I am in such agony and pain and I feel like hes punishing me or just doesnt love me like I though because he didnt want it. Eather way im sitting here wondering and who knows what the hell hes doing. He says he loves me its just not enough, and its killing me but Im ready to just let go I have no more energy I cry all the time and have a pit in me all the time. Maybe our love wasnt strong enough or his. I have stepped back we talk on phone but we went from seeing each other almost everynite to 1 or 2 times a week if that. I just feel like hes left me hanging then I blame myself that I shouldnt have asked for break in first place. Im so lost.
i was with my boyfriend for a little over two months.. and i think we both fell for each other quickly.. everything was going great til christmas eve when he started acting cold towardsme.. and i thought it was because of a comment i had said.. then he said we needed to talk about some things.. he caught me completely off guard when he told me we should take some time off..because he had a lot of problems at home and money issues and wenever really had time to see each other like once a week but i didnt mind because we talked to each other daily and that one day of the week was that much more special so i was confused as to what had gone wrong and being my first boyfrined i had no idea how to react and asked are you breaking up with me? he replied that he needed time to work some stuff out with him and that we could still be friends..and afterwards we will see if we can get back together.. I stared at him the entire time and said ok gave him his present (which i had so thoughtfully put together of things he loved) and we hugged. I was so confused and i still am i dont know wat this break means.. i havent talked to him in like three days.. which i know is not a lot but to me it is. I just dont know waht to do .. i want to talk to him again but this time tell him how i feel and idk maybe ask if this can be workedout without the break.. its killin me not to know what is goin on.. what do you guys think should i call and say i need to talk to you to clarify a few things.. because when we talked i was surpriesedthat i had no idea wat to say. help me
I understand your pain. Its really cowardly of him to do this to you, and it doesnt take away the pain, because a clean break kills you, but a break just feels like your hanging on. My bf is doing this to me I just posted but its so heartless he says its not a break hes just taking it slow. If its been two months it still doesnt feel good but its one of the worst feelings and all Im doing is distancing myself too, because I have no other choice. I have called like you said you want to do all it does it hurt more when they reject you untill you start pulling away. Im afraid of this, but I have to guard myself as well. You can call him and tell him I poured my heart out to him a couple of times and it just stayed the same, so dont be shocked if you get this from him. Its very cruel but it happens all the time. Good luck im right there with you.
BTW Im 22.. haha just thought i sould throw that out there..
Having been through one of these myself, a break to me is pretty much the beginning of the end.
Totally agree it just happened to me last year and that’s exactly what it’s about.
So true
If it’s over, man up and say it is. Who’s really benefiting by having a relationship in limbo. Relationships are hard work, either ur in it for the long haul or sever ties & move on.
A break definitely means exploring other options. Even if you do try to work it out later the hook ups that happened over that time are a problem. I agree that you can’t have it both ways.
Maybe I haven’t been there, but I honestly cannot understand the point of a “break.” If you feel like you are needing time away from a person, then perhaps you just weren’t meant to be!
Or, if you have gotten so wrapped up in the said relationship, maybe you just aren’t taking enough time to continue your OWN life and your own interests.
If the person who you are with is the right one, and you are still taking care of the person you are, then I doubt a break would be needed.
I actually attempted to break with boyfriend and he told me there is no such thing, either we’re together or we’re not. So we broke up. I still love him and we hang out sometimes but being with him was exhausting (he’s really needy) so I needed a break.
Ugh, that sounds difficult. Have you been really vocal about HOW he’s needy? Have you suggested ways to fix it that you can both work on as a couple? If you love him you should try to work it out.
My hubby, before he became my hubby tried this stunt. It ended up back firing on him. You need a break, you don’t have to tell me twice. Come to think of it I can use a break…pull their card see how fast they come running back, and that’s when you say, I moved on, so should you…
@ Taihina, now that’s a great idea!!
My hubby, before he became my hubby tried to use this stunt on me. It back fired! This only works on the low self esteem people. Anyone else will send them packing at the first sign of let’s take a ….. Don’t finish that sentence, you don’t have to ask me twice see ya.
Personally, I agree with you, Cait.
I am only 28 years old, but I feel that many people today do not understand that relationships take work (After all, a relationship consists of two different individuals with unique thought processes, likes, dislikes, etc). Hence, being open-minded and using healthy communication is a must in a relationship (By the way, a relationship is just as “real” in high school or college since people do have obligations, social activities, etc., to balance during these phases of life.
When a problem or disagreement comes along, a person may be quick to take a “break” instead of communicating and compromising (By compromising, I do not mean that one person always gets his own way. I mean that both people meet the other half-way and come to a mutual agreement). If a person has tried to communicate in order to resolve the issues in his relationship but his mate is not willing to listen or compromise, then a “break” is not going to fix anything. Break up. In my past relationship, my ex and I took a million breaks and they never worked…Why? They did not work because the issues that we had were never resolved. However, if the couple truly is meant to be together, then they will realize that fact after they break up and eventually get back together.
Now, if a person just needs some personal space, then I do not understand why that person cannot just say to his mate, for example, “I have some work/school/family/personal tasks that are time-sensitive right now, so I cannot spend that much time with you over the next week or so because I will be focused on getting those things done.” Why does the person have to take a “break” in order to take care of his business or have “me” time?!! Doing so doesn’t make sense to me…but to each his own. I learned from my past that each person needs personal time and space in order to grow as an individual. The couple will have forever (maybe) to spend with each other, so they need not spend every waking moment together. Having some alone time each day can be very relaxing and necessary for personal growth…Whether the time encompasses an hour or two of reading, meditating, exercising, watching your favorite TV shows (Without interruption!), or whatever. Plus, a little distance makes the heart grow fonder!
I enjoyed hearing all of these different perspectives and wish everyone well!
I LOVE this response, Key! And I agree–relationships are always “real.” Yes, the boys in exhibit A & B were both immature, but I have seem my friends in mature, adult relationships go through “breaks” and have been asked for one myself.
The reason my now-boyfriend asked for a break was because we were fighting a lot. This really made me take a step back and realize that I was picking fights with him over little things due to some past issues. It took a lot of talking and a lot of tears on my end, but we stayed together and never broke up. AND I think all that hard work just made us stronger than ever.
I feel like one of the problems and the rising cause of breaks is the emphasis on ME and MY TIME. I agree with what you said in the last paragraph–if you feel suffocated and a bit busy, whatever, just ask for an hour alone, a few less days till you complete a project, whatever. Don’t jump ship. If you’re considering a “break” to find yourself or whatever, just break up. Don’t leave this person “on hold” as someone you might come back to. Make a clean break, and maybe you’ll come back…but if you don’t, it’s so much less messy.
Hi there Ladies.
I was with my boyfriend for a year and 8 month when he decided he wanted a break. He is 24 years of age and got scared that we were getting to serious. We were on a break for a month in a half. We had no contact, i went out partied with my friends which made him realize what he wants in his life. We have got back together and it has made us both see clearer appreciate each other more.
If you are one of the lucky few who can sucessfully ask for/agree to a break, well then God bless you! You are luckier than most. For most women, when their man wants a break, it really means that he doesn’t want to be in the relationship anymore, but does’t want you to be with anyone else, and/or he still wants to maintain a sexual relationship with you without the responsibilities of the relationship. Worse, it can mean he simply wants a loophole to hookup with another gal he may be lusting after. The majority of the time, asking for a break simply means you’re one foot out the door already, so why drag it out?
I guess if you’re in the that situation, then there should be some rules that each person should abide by. First, no one should be having ANY type of sexual relations with anyone else. In fact, sex should be taken out the equation entirely in the relationship until there is some type of agreed resoultion to the issue that’s causing the need for the break in the first place. Second, there should be some type of time allotted for the break but with respect to the other person. It’s unreasonable to ask for 6 months and expect the other person to wait and see if they are wanted back. Third, and most important, communication throughout said time period is vital b/c once again, it’s not fair to leave the other person in living in limbo for you. It’s vital that the rules be explictly said and understood b/c “going on a break” in your relationship can result in all types of problems.
Even with all these rules, I STILL wouldn’t do the break thing, it’s all or nothing for me. Being married doesn’t change that either.
Breaks are ridiculous. Either you are in or not. When u take a break u are opening up another can of worms.
Requesting a “break” is a cowards way of saying that they don’t want to be in a relationship anymore. My ex told me he wanted a break so that he could work on himself to be a better man for me. That was a load of crap. He wanted time apart but it was so he could be with another woman. In fact, he started seeing the woman before the so called “time apart”. Just be truthful and say what you want. If you don’t want to be with that person, let them know. Don’t drag out the inevitable by declaring a “break” from each other.
Breaks are stupid. It’s the same thing as a breakup. If you are considering a break, what does that tell you?