Julie asks: “What makes a guy in a good, solid relationship blindside a woman, ex. what Jesse James did to Sandra Bullock?
I feel like Sandra Bullock.”
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The problem is, we really don’t know what’s going on behind the scenes, do we? Yes, we hate Jesse for what he did to Miss Congeniality, but the cracks in the foundation could have been laid way before his foray. My answer is: the relationship might have been “good,” but it wasn’t “great.”
Take this for example: I can go to a “good” steak restaurant, and the next time I’m in the mood for more steak, I can try another “good” restaurant. However, if I have a “great” steak restaurant, I’ll tend to stick with it. I’m not comparing restaurants to women, but ultimately the relationship has to be “great” for both people involved.
I can guarantee you that Lady Antebellum’s song “When You Got a Good Thing” wasn’t written about Jesse and Sandra’s relationship. To quote the chorus:
“Cause baby when the ground starts shakin
You gotta know…when you’ve got a good thing”
And BTW, I do appreciate the irony that they use “good” instead of “great,” but the lyrics wouldn’t have gelled as nicely as they do with “good.” Listen to the song (they rock!), read the lyrics, and tell me if you can associate this song to Jesse and Sandra….or better yet, can you associate it to you?
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Why does anyone blindside their mate? They’re not as happy as the other person perceives that they are. As a longtime NYC dater, you get used to thinking there is always something better out there than your current situation. Guys are simple animals.
I think Tommy Lee said it best, “for every hot girl out there, there’s some guy who’s tired of _____ her.” Give a guy the temptation of a really hot girl and the excitement of something different, and you have a recipe for disaster. I’m not a believer in monogamy to begin with, so I’m never shocked to hear that X dumped Y because he met a hot young thing. On another note, if you try to keep a guy on a short leash, he’s gonna leave. What’s the divorce rate again? ‘Nuff said.
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Pure animal lust…although I have no idea what Jesse James saw in Kat Von D?! But, to each his own. Eyes are always going to wander, no matter what you have at home, no matter how much in love you are, no matter how much you genuinely care about the person you are with. One day, you’ll be walking down the street and you’ll see someone that you just want.
Many of my friends who have been in relationships for years do the “open” relationship thing. I don’t really subscribe to that idea, but I do understand it. Sex is just sex while business is business and love is love. But, people seem to get all of that mixed up and confused and turn sex into love and business into sleeping with their secretary. I think the problem comes in when you fool around and fall in love…then what do you do with the person you care(d) about? The old Irish proverb goes, “A man loves his mistress the most, but his wife the best.” It is when the mistress goes from “most” to best” that the problems arise. I guess the “guy” doesn’t see that “switch” coming and, apparently, neither does the woman…who ends up blindsided.
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What a fascinating question! I’m truly sorry that your guy made you feel like Sandra Bullock. I was recently left by a woman who I thought I had a “solid relationship” with. While my perspective was that everything was rosy, she had a deep internal struggle and was profoundly dissatisfied, which caused her to leave. If your guy left, you didn’t have a solid relationship…you just didn’t know what was going on in his head.
That said, what differentiates a cheater from a committed man is mostly DNA. It’s what Heraclitus observed, “character is destiny.” If he’s cheated before, it’s likely to happen again. A decent, moral person ends the relationship the moment they know there’s a problem (to her credit, my ex did just that). Yours did not.
For men, the “solid” guy who truly cares about you won’t change over time. Women approaching childbearing years who’ve had a wild youth often do a 180 and decide to settle down. Men have no biological imperative, no biological clock. A guy who wants a marriage and children will feel it to his core (at least once he approaches maturity). A guy who wants to philander will never change. Regret, maybe, but who cares? What you should be focused on is being happy that a cheater left you, not the fantasy you had about your future.
GIRL TALK TIME: Why do you think guys cheat? Have you ever been blindsided in a relationship? What happened?
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