Should You Live Together Before You Get Married?
With Valentine’s Day just passed and National Weddings Month still in full effect, I’m obsessing about something debatable: living together before marriage. The practical part of me thinks this is a necessity, but the statistics scare me—studies show that up to 50% of people who live together before marriage end up divorced or apart…and those who live together while they’re not married are “more accepting of divorce.”
I’m a supporter of cohabitation, but here’s my caveat—I say that both of you should be pretty sure you’re getting married before you make the moving move. Why? I like to know 100% what I can expect in a situation. Living together before he even pops the question would be the perfect trial run. Is someone leaving a dirty towel around the house every once in a while (emphasis on once in a while) a good way to crack my neurotically neat shell…or will I freak? Remember how couples fight over money? Living together is a surefire way to make sure he’s not up all night playing (and losing at) online poker, or to ensure that he’s not the type who’s too stingy to contribute to toilet paper ‘cause you “use it more.”
That said, I’m willing to consider some of the negatives. Feeling like marriage is the next step after moving in together causes people to divorce? Not if the two of you are completely committed to each other in the first place. Another frightening stat: Couples who live together often have poor conflict resolution skills. Wait, what? I don’t care if my significant other and I are sharing a living space, I will still let my feelings be known, even if it starts an argument. Scared about having nowhere to go when you have a fight? Don’t live in a studio apartment so you have another room to go to if you’re heated. Head to the gym if you’re both yelling. Go for a walk. Come back calm and talk. Communication is key, and I think honesty is the best policy—even if you have to share a remote with someone you just pissed off, let it out!
I therefore think the real problems lie in the reasons why people are moving in together. Each situation is different, but here are some of the half-baked things I’ve heard: “It’s convenient.” “The rent would be so much cheaper!” “All of our friends are doing it.” “We need to get out of our parents’ houses.” I’ve seen some of my friends live with their s.o.’s and go through the aftermath of a live-in split: breaking leases, dividing furniture…the emotional fallout of sharing a space with someone you despise while one party moves out—not pretty.
So, although I can’t speak from experience yet, I believe that if you’re fairly certain your other half is the one you want to marry, and so long as you’ve both discussed marriage seriously (and by seriously I don’t mean you tell him about your dream wedding and he says “okay”), it’s a great idea. For me, if I’m willing to share custody of my futon, I’m willing to be with you forever. And, hey, if we’re completely wrong about this whole “us” thing? At least we didn’t waste money on the engagement, the marriage, the monogrammed towels, the divorce…. Lucky for us, we figured it out early (and saved on rent while we did it!).
-Cait Rohan
GIRL TALK TIME: What’s your take on this issue? Are you all for living with someone before you get married? Do you think it’s okay to casually live together as a couple? Have you ever lived with a significant other and then broken up? What happened? Let us know, ladies!
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126 Comments
Post a CommentI am baffled by some of the women on here.
My boyfriend and I have been living together for a year. First he moved away from home, then 3 months later I moved in. We had been dating for a year and 2 months. He had just before he moved out asked me to marry him and I told him I was not ready. Since, we have had few arguments but nothing we haven’t come out better from. His parents have a ministry, and of course do not agree with us living together unmarried and do wish we would get married. Mine have no problem with our situation. Neither of our families have made any fuss about it. He would marry me today if I was ready. I think he is going to ask soon and I am ready for him to ask me. I love living with him, it is like living with my best friend. We communicate, we dirty the house, WE clean it, we laugh, we cry. His grandmother said it best “Morally and bibically, its not right. But with the way things are these days, I think it is the right choice for yall. I dont want y’all to end up like my first marriage.” (Her husband was abusive and is psycho, been there done that. but that is a whole other story.) Yes bibically it may be a sin, but if this is the worst sin I commit in my life, I am doing better than most. Everyone sins every day, thank goodness I serve a forgiving God!
I myself am newly engaged and do not live with my fiancé we have been together off and on for almost 7 years we know Eachother very well I think it’s made things stronger between us not living together I’m sure we will move in before the wedding but we are okay with this right now
With my first husband who is currently my husband. We moved in together after a year of dating. We lived together for 2 years then he popped the question. the next year we got married. After that things changed. HE CHANGED. I hounded him about getting married because I didn’t like living together in sin and not be married. I got what I wanted but I lost my husband along the way. Point is.. whether you live with someone or not before you get married doesn’t matter. you just have to make sure they are the one. I, on the other hand will not move in with someone before marriage. I knew better the first time but i did it anyways.
I have been living with my boyfriend for 3 months now officially but been staying with him for almost 11 months off and on. I believe that you need to know each other on a personal basis and know how their home life is. It also gives you the chance to see if the way they live will drive you nuts. I am completely happy with my boyfriend and he is happy also. Recently we have started talking about marriage and our future together. I think it is a personal choice depending on a persons feelings and faith.
I’ve been living together for over 10 years and he finds all kinds of things for excuses for not marring me. He says I have to change this and that. We have kids and own things together. Whst a big mistake. Don’t live together?!!”
I think its a great idea as long as you have plans for marriage or else its a waste of time.I lived with my boyfriend and learned what a slob his was!!!!
Living together is a good idea as long as it doesn’t go on for year’s with no plans on getting married.
Yes, at least to be sure that you don’t end up realizing later that you can’t stand the person your living with, let alone about to be married to!
I can go either way. Even if you don’t officially move in together, I would think you would be staying over at each other’s place a good amount of time to see what he’s like to live with.
There is actually a whole website that covers this very topic and it’s called shouldwelivetogether.com. It is written from the perspective of someone who has cohabitated and provides some great food for thought. There are no outdated terms like ‘shacking up’ or ‘living in sin’ on the site. It is real information for woman in 2011 and beyond.
I do not think you should move in together in general. Too many people move in together without any careful though or discussion. The fact that living together could potentially save money on rent/mortgage etc is a perk not a reason. If we just think bibilically the answer is clear do not do it. It is a personal decision ofcourse. Thanks for the website. I will definitely check it out.
I lived with my significant other for nine years before we got married. When we were shacking everything was GREAT! We both knew that the other was our “til death do us part”. However, when we got married there was no TRANSITION from shacking as boyfriend and girlfriend to living together as HUSBAND AND WIFE. People fail to realize that when you live in sin things are ALWAYS easier. Our marriage didn’t last 2 years, but our shacking lasted 9…go figure!
If people would stop taking GOD’S LAW and GOD’S WILL out of the things they did this would not be a debatable topic at all.
I will NEVER shack again. The bible gives us spefic instruction on things for a reason, WE decide to dismiss them and make our own rules, and when we do that we mess up every time. The only way I would live with as “us” before we say “I do” is if we were already engaged and in a situation where we had to relocate or was having a home built and the construction was finished shortly before the wedding day is scheduled…THAT’S IT!
My husband and I moved in together after dating for 11 months. A year later, we were engaged. We pretty much knew that moving in together was leading to marriage. We figured that learning each other’s habits was better to know before a wedding than after.
My husband and I are happily married for 15yrs now. We moved in before we got married but were engaged and planning the wedding. I am so happy we did it this way because it took us some time in getting used to each others habits and just in case it didn’t work out, I wouldn’t have had to get divorced. I don’t believe in living together without having a real plan especially if you knowyou want to get married. So I think a plan is necessary before moving in if marriage is what you want!
I feel its a great idea to move in together only to see how the other mate’s living habits are. But myself personally I will let it be known that Im not just living there for the heck of it. So after a certain amount of years I will like a commitment with marriage. If he cant deal with it I will be leaving.
Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free? Like my husband says: “there’s the girls you fool around with, and maybe even live with, THEN there are the girls you marry”. You may find that offensive, but more than a few guys think that way. My opinion is: Why give so much of your life to someone without a solidified promise of something to come? ESPECIALLY when most guys think like my husband.
Living together without knowing if you bf is going to husband in the near future is a mistake. I think most men think if we live together why get married we are already ascting like we are married.
I’ve lived with a bf before and ended up ending the relationship. I would still live with a bf before marraige. I’ve been with my current guy almost 3 years ago and we don’t currently live together.
Yes u should live together first because u will know each other more. Its better that way. Don’t be surprised!!!!
I also agree with Cristina. I feel like if you cant handle colliding two worlds together how can you stand a marriage of years together. Living together helps open your eyes to something before shelling out thousands of dollars to only realize you can not stand your partner. I feel like going to marriage counseling is something I would want before deciding the wedding period.
Although I was not a proponent of the idea of living together several years ago, when the opportunity to move in with my boyfriend (of 4yrs at the time) came up, it was a good choice for me.
Some of the points mentioned in the article surprise me (being more accepting of divorce, poor communication skills, etc.) because we both believe and behave exactly the opposite. I feel like we have been pushed to work on our relationship and communication skills by living together – there’s no where to escape if one is upset. You must bring up the situation and talk about it. It’s also showing each of us how to take the other’s lifestyle, feelings, and beliefs into consideration before making a decision or putting into effect an action.
Although it may not be the right decision for everyone, my boyfriend and I are coming up on 7 years together and are looking forward to getting married. Once we do, we know it will last. Good luck with your choices, ladies!