How Can I Get Him to Pursue Me?

As a professional matchmaker with 20 years experience bringing couples together, I love to watch trends—patterns of problematic dating issues developing in our culture.

The troublesome question I’m seeing from my female clients this month:

“How can I get the guy I’m interested in to pursue me?”

And another:

“I got a second date invitation from the man I didn’t really like, and the one I do like? He’s not called. What’s up with that?”

Here’s what I’ve determined needs to be present for a man in order for him to step up to the plate and court a woman the way she wants to be courted. In order for a man to pursue a woman, he needs to be:

1. Attracted. He needs to have The Hots for you, and no matchmaker on the planet can cause that to happen for a man. Women have a far greater natural ability than men do to develop physical attraction over time, even if he’s not “her type” physically when she first meets him.

Secret: Pay attention to and give a real chance to the men who are attracted to you, and who are stepping up to the plate to pursue you, rather than hoping and praying that the one you like will respond to or initiate contact with you. Choose from the men who do have The Hots for you. As for the guys who aren’t responding to you? You don’t likely have a shot at them, so, well…best to move on.

2. Amused. If he’s not having fun being with you, he’s not likely to extend an invitation to be together again. The women who are receiving lots of second and third date invitations? They’re the ones men are describing as “fun, playful, upbeat, positive, adventurous, warm, engaging, sweet.” The women who are left out in the cold? They’re being described as “critical, fussy, judgmental, cold, materialistic, self-absorbed.” …Ouch, right? Don’t be that girl, okay?

3. Appreciated. The women who expect royal treatment, especially early on in the dating process…oh my…their suitors are vanishing quickly.

Tough Reality: The more resources a man has, the more wary he will be of women who are looking to take advantage. Express sincere appreciation for all of the little acts of generosity that are being shown to you by the men you’re dating. If he detects a sense of entitlement? He’ll run the other way. A sincere thank you, reciprocity and generosity on your part goes a long way with today’s Modern Day Man.

4. Available: A man will only court a woman if timing is right for him. Don’t make the mistake of dismissing a man if he doesn’t do what you want him to do when you want him to do it. He might not be calling you this week for very good reason. Keep your energy and your vibe crisp, clean and positive—when timing is right for him, you want to be the first person he’s thinking about.

-Julie Ferman of Cupid’s Coach

Julie Ferman is Cupid’s Coach. She’s a personal matchmaker and dating coach, responsible for over 1,100 marriages.

Julie founded her personal matchmaking and dating coaching service, Cupid’s Coach to dignify and simplify the love search process for selective, relationship-minded professionals. The company is currently California’s largest, fastest growing personal introduction service and is rapidly expanding, with 50 locations throughout the U.S.

Julie met her husband of 20 years through a proactive love search of her own, and has spent every day since helping the rest of us fall in love and stay in love. Julie Ferman knows the love business and is eager to share her secrets with us.

Single love seekers: Register privately, for free, to be found when we’re searching for our clients: CupidsCoach.com

PLUS, Catch Julie on Dr. Phil: Julie Ferman, Cupid’s Coach, will be appearing on Dr. Phil as she takes on the love lives of two of the Dr. Phil Housewives—Gloria and Michelle.

Dr. Phil has brought in Cupid’s Coach to be the dating coach and personal matchmaker for these two ladies. Tune in on Tuesday, Dec. 7 to see the coaching sessions and Gloria’s date with Cupid’s Coach client, Jon.

GIRL TALK TIME: Are you single? How are you meeting guys? What do you think of Julie’s advice? If you’re taken, how did you meet your significant other?

26 Comments

Post a Comment
  • leonard:

    Does that mean that there is hope for guys in the dreaded “friendzone” who think that the woman can fall for him over time.I thought that this was not the case.

    {Reply}
  • lustyds:

    I’m marry for 22years and i met my husband at a bar

    {Reply}
  • Wayne:

    As a single guy, it’s not too often that I run across an article written by a woman giving dating advice to single women, in which I actually agree with what she says about men. This article pretty well describes some (but not all) of the factors that influence my decisions to pursue or not pursue a girl.

    {Reply}
    1. Shecky's:

      Hey Wayne,

      Thanks so much for your feedback and insight! And thanks for being a user.

      Shecky’s

      {Reply}
  • avatar
    mecavarretta:

    Great advice!

    {Reply}
  • Sonia Chowdhury:

    lol

    {Reply}
  • JENNY ARCE:

    Im single, and have been for quite some time now and don’t really know where to meet guys that are actually suitable to date……

    {Reply}
  • avatar
    dezi291:

    ITA if he’s just not that into you…just move on. It’s not worth the heartbreak of rejection.

    {Reply}
  • Joy:

    The picture on the article cracks me up.

    {Reply}
  • avatar
    LG:

    i feel that there is no reason to have someone chase after you! there should just be a chemistry with someone that either works or doesnt

    {Reply}
  • avatar
    jenjen512:

    Boo. Boys that like me are too clingy. I feel like I’m talking to a girl half the time! (Texting me “Do you miss me?” “You didn’t say bye before you went out of town! i’m hurt!” Geeze!)

    {Reply}
  • jessie:

    GREAT advice Julie! Now I know how you hooked up so many weddings!

    {Reply}
  • MizzOCD:

    I never thought in a million years my Fiance and I would be together. He’s definitely not my type but in the end he was everything I wanted.
    I say don’t stress if that guy your crushing is not attracted to you. There are plenty of other men wanting your attention. You just have not noticed it yet.

    {Reply}
    1. Joy:

      This is very true. Plenty of fish in the sea. Don’t worry ladies.

      {Reply}
  • N/A:

    The courtship is not the issue it’s keeping a healthy relationship on going.

    {Reply}
    1. Joy:

      Agree, would like to see some articles on creating lasting love.

      {Reply}
  • Joy:

    Good advice. This is an interesting article.

    {Reply}
  • Crispy:

    I’m single and loving it

    {Reply}
  • penelope:

    so true!

    {Reply}
  • Denise:

    Hey Julie… I met my husband through a matchmaker in Boston (eLove). I tried online dating but the guys were just not serious about having a relationship. I really enjoyed working with my matchmaker… still friends with her… :)

    {Reply}
    1. Joy:

      Never thought about using a matchmaker before. But I like the thought of it being private instead of being online for everyone to see.

      {Reply}
  • Rob:

    Right on Julie! Its about time someone spoke the truth about who women (and men) should be pusuing and what is really attractive.

    {Reply}
  • avatar
    Pamela:

    As Patty Stanger always says, his pencil does the pickin’. I’m grateful that my husband and I met online :)

    {Reply}
  • avatar
    zayas:

    i think that when people are comfortable in their own skin they attract good things/peopel into their lives

    {Reply}
    1. Joy:

      I like this post. It’s rings true.

      {Reply}

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