How to Make a Man REALLY Listen (It’s a Miracle!)
Most men seem to be missing that “listening” section of their brain…or it seems like if they do hear us out, they view our requests, needs and wants as pure nagging. We were so glad when commenter “keonmarks” asked a question about listening and nagging, and we’re so excited to reveal the answers from our real men.
See their surprising responses and submit a question of your own. Our men could solve your male mystery next time around.
QUESTION:
“I’m considered a NAG, but in actuality I’m just telling my husband what I want or expect to keep me satisfied in our relationship, whether it’s him putting his clothes/shoes in the closet, giving me attention by being responsive when I talk, etc. He can ALWAYS repeat what I say if I accuse him of not listening, but he never says anything, just sits there. I get so frustrated because I feel like he doesn’t listen, and at that point, it’s hard to say what I need from him in a nice manner. How do I get him to do the simple things to keep me happy without me nagging after he ignores me?”
ANSWERS:
Mr. Love Boys Too SEE BIO NOW>
Make happy thine self…well, Shakespeare actually said, “To thine own self be true.” But, that is the general idea. Don’t rely on anybody else to do anything to make you happy—do it yourself. And, consider anything else that comes your way a bonus. That way, you will not need to “NAG” your husband for anything and, since you’ll be taking care of things yourself, they’ll be done and you’ll be happy. On top of that, you won’t need to be unhappy about not being heard and not having things done for you…imagine how happy that’ll make you and your husband!
Mr. Noncommittal SEE BIO NOW>
Nobody wants to date their nagging mom. It’s not sexy, it’s not fun and it only ends in me resenting that person. Usually when I resist what I know my significant other (or insignificant other) wants, it’s because I’m trying to push her away. It’s a sign of bigger problems. Some guys are honestly just slobs and then tune you out…but more often than not, if I want to make my partner happy, I’ll go the extra step. If I don’t, I’ll play the stupid lazy guy role just because I can.
Look a little deeper than wanting him to pick up his socks. Ask yourself this question: “Am I still exciting to my boyfriend or husband?” If you can’t answer yes and really back it up, then re-evaluate the situation and work on your relationship, and don’t worry about being a drill sergeant with the cleanest barracks. Pretty soon you might find him in some other woman’s barracks. Again, nobody wants to date their nagging mom.
Mr. Sensitive and Scientific SEE BIO NOW>
Kudos to you for actually asking for what you want, rather than expecting that your man just know. You can be confident that he actually knows you’d like him to clean up after himself. Clearly the problem isn’t that he’s not listening, as he’s able to repeat everything you say. What’s missing is the motivation, and that’s likely emotional. In the early stages of a relationship, each party wants to satisfy the other and they look for ways to fulfill the needs of the other.
Now you’re married and stuck with each other. You’re complaining and I’d imagine he has things to complain about too. Rather than persist in this negative cycle, start providing feedback when he does something right. Cultivate your core relationship to engage in his emotional side. And stop accusing him of not listening, listening isn’t the problem.
Mr. In a Relationship SEE BIO NOW>
Nobody wants to be told what they should do, especially on a consistent basis by a wife you see every day. Was he like this before you married him?If you married him and he was always like this, it’s not his fault, it’s yours. Many of us have a hope that we evolve as we get older, but sometimes that is not the case.
But if he wasn’t like this before you got married, find a more constructive way of influencing his behavior. Freud said that everything you and I do springs from two motives: the sex urge and the desire to be important. Focusing on the latter, this could be more compliments, appreciation, etc. Ultimately, for your husband to do the things you want him to do, he has to want to. How can that happen? You may want to read: How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie ($12.40 on Amazon.com).
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46 Comments
Post a CommentThis article just proves that there are SO many different opinions and points of view that there will never be a universal answer to this question. Just that you have to figure out what works in your own relationship.
agree
great article, great points made! I was just on vacation for a week and came home (to a house where I live with my mother temporarily) to a clean room (even my shoes were organized!), car, garage, kitchen, living room… not even his house and he dusted, vaccumed, swept, etc. I made sure he knows just how much he and his efforts are appreciated and just how lucky I am!!!!
I like this article.
I think the easier we make communication w/men the more likely they are to get what we mean and listen. Too many women play the guessing game with guys expecting the to “know” or they nag…..two way street ladies
Funny how this article came out a long time ago and yet it is still popping up and still being commented on! Guess this will be one of those never-answered questions of life. A therapist once recommended that if you needed your mate to hear something specifically, gently hold the sides of his face and preface what you ask for with, “I really need you to hear this…” I use this technique for only the most important things, but it seems to help. Also, relationship advice from Mr. Noncommittal? Puh-leeze. “Look a little deeper than wanting him to pick up his socks. Ask yourself this question: “Am I still exciting to my boyfriend or husband?”" Does it always have to come down to what’s titillating? Aren’t there any men out there who are more evolved than that?! I believe there are, just not that guy! Ugh.
Since listening and responding is a two way street, then just do unto him/her as they have done unto you. He’s not picking up, then don’t do something in the house. However, first discuss with him what you want and try to get him to respond. Remember, DISCUSS~! not nag. THEN if he doesn’t do jack squat, it’s your turn to do jack squat…think of one of his pet peeves. I know it sounds like ‘an eye for an eye’, but at least you’ll feel better. Maybe it’ll even open up the communication channels when HE starts to nag.
I agree with this article!! we as women can have listening issues too!
men likes to talk but they dont listen
I agree with that
this is a great article.
Why do men use the ‘its in our nature’ bit when their significant other catches them looking at another woman?
Do they honestly think we believe this?
I don’t like all the excuses. When I talk he should listen and hear me. End of story.
Hearing and OBEYING are two different things. He’s not your son, or a student in your class.
What REASON does he have for doing what you want??
If you answer “to make me happy!” Does it make you happy? Are you happy when he does it? Or when he cleans the window does it make you realize how dirty the yard is?
If you answer “To stop me from complaining!” Does it stop you?
If you answer “For his own happiness!” Does he have the freedom and leisure to be happy at home?
pp
First let me say, this was an excellent topic and right on time. It may have answered some of the questions some of us women has had about why you do the things you do, and are you really listening to what we have to say. However, like Mr. Non Commital said, “Nobody wants to date their nagging mom”. That’s just it. We aren’t your mother, so why keep treating us as such? Yes that means pick up after yourself, clean up after yourself, and whatever else. And why is it that we always have to commend you on doing so? Like so many men like to say, “I’m a grown man”. Well act like it. I have no problem washing my boyfriends clothes, cooking, cleaning, and whatever else you all want us to do to keep you happy. But at the same time, a man should have to also show some effort in making that woman happy to make her want to keep doing those things. It starts with appreciation. Show some! Heck commend us every once in a while. I think it goes both ways. Its very easy for us women to start feeling unappreciated, and when that happens, yes it may come off to a man as nagging when we ask you to do something. I feel that the woman and the man should both work hard at keeping their significant other happy. Then both parties will be happy, and all is well.
men and women sometimes talk to much but we as people listen to what we want to hear!
This is the same stuff everyone says and it still doesnt work, were the guys being honest in this or were they lying so they can try to find someone to date? Also, I am not impressed with the “Variety” of men listed here. I am a New Yorker too but hey, not every man is from New York and thinks like a New York A….. I am female and yes I cant argue with what a man says that will help him listen but only one guy talks of compromise in this, everyone is stating their demands which is not the problem… the problem I think is communication, not “What does a man want?” The question is what will get a guy to listen and it seems almost every guy is saying if he doesnt want to listen to you, take the highway…Okay I guess every relationship is doomed if thats the case????
We’ve established that this guy IS listening. He is not responding or reacting.
The question is why not? Or why WOULD he respond or react?
There’s no question that a guy who is with you WANTS you to be happy and satisfied, doesn’t want you complaining. Honestly, that is a FACT. If that is NOT in his power, however, he will STOP responding. If you quarrel with every response he makes, then responding is ineffective for him.
Note: I’m ignoring the content of the requests: things like
“Why can’t you pick up your clothes?” or
“How many times do I have to say to turn this off when you’re done?”
are not conversation – obviously there is no acceptable answer.
The reasons the guys’ answers are all similar, Oshun, is because if this woman (and the large number of women you and others allude to) is doing the same thing over and over to motivate change in her husband and/or relationship, and it’s not working, then SHE is (and THEY are) ineffective and thus, wrong.
You are suggesting that perhaps the men are wrong. I’m not speaking about ‘sunnytam’ – that’s a different level, and she’s moving on. Good. I’m saying that wrong or not, ‘Nadia cherubin’ has it figured out – if he’s not listening, why don’t you change the delivery? There’s a way to motivate him, a way to be listened to. Find it. This way we call “nagging” is the wrong way. Didn’t YOU ignore your mother too when you were younger? WHY? HOW? Think about it. You think about it as I was a child then, I’ve grown up. But why couldn’t she get you to listen? Because of your childish brain? I don’t think so. You heard her words but they didn’t motivate you. Why not? Her method was ineffective then, as yours is now.
pp
Sometimes WOMEN just talking to much….Shut the hell up, the game is probably on…LMAO!
I really like these articles. You should have more of this. It’s very interesting to hear from the guys.
good advice
hahaha some men are really good listeners. I’m actually a bad listener.
Good advice. Great article!