What is Unforgivable in a Relationship?
Forgiveness is a funny thing. When someone you love and trust does something that breaks your faith, it can be hard to get over it. One Shecky’s Staffer has an interesting situation—she’s been on again, off again with the same guy, and even though he’s changed, sometimes she can’t forget his “off” behavior. See her story and share: What have you forgiven someone for? How did you do it? What is unforgivable in a relationship?
“I’ll fess up…I’m not that ‘old.’ A little over two years ago, just as I was about to graduate college, I found an amazing smart, sweet and cute guy. Our interests/backgrounds were so the same (obsession with Sublime—check, whacky sense of humor—definitely, same family background—yep) and we had kick-butt chemistry from the second we met. We clicked ASAP, talking on the phone or on the computer till the sun literally came up, planning to see each other although we lived states away.
It worked for about four months, but with me newly graduated and him with one more year of school to go, he pulled the infamous “fade out” move—he was supposed to come to my hometown one week when my parents were away, but he mysteriously stopped answering his phone, his Facebook, his AIM. After a few (okay, maybe like two dozen) texts brimming at the character limit, he finally got back to me that he, ‘Just couldn’t handle this right now.’ I was beyond heartbroken, but I figured I’d never see him again, so I did my best to move on.
Until he kept coming back. I eventually moved to another state for a job, but he would still contact me, promising to visit then canceling last minute. This happened at least once a month for over a year. At the time, I was dating a lot of douche-y dudes (even several at once) to try to forget him once and for all, but I still couldn’t shake our connection. I compared everyone to how well he and I got along. I would believe him every time he said he was coming, only to find myself scarfing down a welcome-back batch of brownies I made for him by myself, choking back tears for the 20th time.
Now he’s my boyfriend, and he’s done a total 180 from the person he used to be. He shows up on time, he supports me, he loves me…and I love him back. But sometimes I feel so Jekyll and Hyde about the whole thing. Most times I’m crazy in love with him, but other times I feel like I can’t forget that the monster he was is still somewhere inside the very same person I adore. Those last minute texts (sometimes the night before!) come back to haunt me at the oddest moments. He hurt me bad, and sometimes I’m still on the defense. Believe me, we’ve gotten into fights about it—I pick him apart for everything he does wrong, he gets confused by my outbursts over seemingly ‘small’ stuff.
He’s done nothing blatantly wrong the whole time we’ve been officially dating and I am his first girlfriend ever. Should I get over what he did? How? I really do love him, but this whole situation is hard and so complicated.”
GIRL TALK TIME: What do you think about the Staffer’s situation? Have you ever gone through anything like this? What was the hardest thing that you forgave someone for? How did you do it? What is something that you absolutely could never forgive?
Cart
92 Comments
Post a CommentWhen you start to fall in love and he admits he’s in love with a guy….
CHEATING!!!!!!
I was recently in the same situation except that we never got back together it was real great at first then something went wrong and just could do it all over again knowing that I would face these two emotions of love and hate. If this is however his first relationship give him a break and give yourself a break, your still young for goodness sakes!
VIOLENCE…..
Violence, for sure.
Ive been cheated on in almost every relationship ive ever been in. I am now engaged to the one man that proved to me that they arent all the same. He knows that one thing i will not tolerate is cheating. Whether he ever does & eventually i find out theres no looking back. Nothing would ever let me get over something like that. No one is perfect but i have never cheated & i dont see how any excuse would make up for it. So cheating is a Huge No No to me. Just like the rest in my past all it took was one time & they were gone. I dont give second chances. If someone truly wants to be with you & loves you they would never go down that road. If they do make that mistake (man or woman) then your better off single & thats how they all ended up once i found out. They’ll always be another. No one should tolerate that from their spouse. Its unforgivable in my eyes. Shows the level of respect they have for you. Ring, No ring, Married, Kids or no Kids… Once you “forgive” & take them back its giving them the chance to do it again. Ive seen so many friends go through this over & over again with the same men. I would never put myself through that…
Good for you for having the self-respect and self-esteem to step away! It once took me a couple of months to leave a cheating man, and I could feel my dignity dwindling away as time passed. Cheating and violence are unforgivables to me.
I have a story that I need an opinion or opinions on. My wife and I have been together for 15 years. I am the only person that she has ever had sex with. In an attempt to understand her feelings of wanting to be with other guys i accepted her talking sexually with other guys on the internet. She was talking to one guiy that I know had her hooked but they never met. Eventually they stopped talking to her, but my worry about there possibilities never ended. Here years later, while her life was in turmoil from family members being sick, I decided to see if she had interest in this person still. I had someone talk to her on the internet pretending to be the at person. after about a month of me and her fighting and being chastised by God I decided it was time to tell the truth. I was wrong for what I did and I have apologized til blue in the face. I have begged for forgiveness only to receive it from God and not my wife. Is what i did unforgivable. I love my wife but she just cant seem to get past what i did, despite what I encountered with their online relationship. Please help
Lying or breaking promises is one thing I will not condone. If anyone does that it just shows you that they’re unreliable and totally two-faced. The only reason I would take from anyone, is if something totally serious happened, i.e. their house burned down, was in a coma, someone in their family died…but other than that, I would take everything he/she said or does with a grain of salt.
I hate liars!!! and if a person lies it just opens the door to so much wonder.
CHEATING WITH A RELATIVE OR A CLOSE FRIEND ARE SIMPLY UNFORGIVEABLE! GIVING YOUR MATE AN STD OR CONCEIVING A BABY RANKS AT THE TOP!!
I think having a baby by someone else while in a relationship or giving your partner an std.Those are above and over the limits.
Breaking the bond of Trust in any fashion
Its hard to forgive and forget in situations like this. If you are his first girlfriend he was probably to immature and scared of a relationship so bailed numerous times. If you love him then it may be time to let the past go and not dwell on it.
cheating is impossible for me to forgive. i tried one time in the past, and i just couldn’t shake the feeling that it was going to happen again. once someone is forgiven for something, it’s hard to believe that they won’t do it again because they got away with it the first time.
I agree with Melissa and Pamela, violence should never be tolerated or forgiven as it opens doors to further domestic abuse. Respect is also key. Verbal abuse should not be tolerated either.
well i agree with some of the others u know how u feel and what u should do. You probably wont ever forget and will always throw it in his face….plus did u ever find out what the real reason why he disappeared was?
I think any problems or disagreements between a man and woman should be kept within there domain. I feel this way because other influences may cloud there judgement.
RESPECT is crucial….it keeps people from cheating and lying to one another!
No one knows your relationship like you and your man. Sometimes its best to keep your problems behind closed doors. Added options can sour your good judgment. With situations like this you need to have a clear head!
although it would be nice to say that ppl forgive and forget they DONT! you never recover from being lied to. that thought will always remain in your head. TRUST is huge in a relationshhip and when you lose it what do you really have left