He’s Perfect, But There’s No Chemistry
In case you haven’t already realized, we have a bone to pick with some ex-boyfriends, we’ve dated some really douchey guys and survived some hilariously bad first dates here at Shecky’s. But what happens when you find a seemingly perfect man only to find that there’s no chemistry? Do you tough it out and keep trying? Or is this a deal-breaker for you? One Staffer shares her opinion.
“I sat on the couch with my boyfriend, but that was part of the problem. All we were doing was sitting on the couch. I wasn’t on his lap, his arm wasn’t around me, there was no magnetic pull calling me over to his side. I sat confined to my corner, and him to his, laughing aimlessly at some show we were watching.
Let me give you a little background on this awkward sitch—the gentleman sitting with more imaginary telephone books between us to make a whole convent happy had already confessed his love to me. He called and texted me often and on time. He showed up when he said he would. He drove me to the mall in Christmas traffic, never let me pay for a thing (from stellar Giants tickets to every beer) and turned the radio to my station even though he hated it. My family loved him, we had the same background, some of the same career aspirations. Plus, he was tall, dark and handsome.
But I didn’t feel that zing, that inseparable must-have chemistry. I didn’t want to ruffle his hair, make-out with him the second I saw him, hold him in public unaware that anyone else was looking. And the punctuality, the precise predictability of him—traits that I thought I’d always wanted in my perfect partner—became so blatantly boring when I realized just how consistent, unsurprising and unwavering he was.
The man I let go was a great person, but in the end a few couch cushions meant everything. I tried to overcome the space between us. I attempted to accept that here was this person who loved me no-holds barred, but I need that force-field feeling in a relationship. I need a Romeo with that inexplicable electricity, that inseparable, drives-me-crazy, can’t-be-without-him sentiment. Is it okay that I’ve let a few well-qualified guys go because they didn’t meet my ‘sparks’ requirement?”
GIRL TALK TIME: Have you ever been with a great-on-paper guy but found that some little something was missing? What was it like? What kind of chemistry do YOU need? What does great chemistry mean for you? Have you ever dumped a guy because there was no spark?
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46 Comments
Post a CommentNope this hasn’t happened to me yet. I just seem to get the losers.
Chemistry is everything. You can’t force it if it is not there.
oh chemistry… it is funny because me and my ex bf were great for one another…we were dating for 7 years…and honestly the last 3 or so were horrible…once he started to play FFXI he lost all interest in me and everything that came with me… honestly i was to busy with school to notice…until finally i thought it was strange that i actually had to call him and schedule a day for me to sleep over…i am 23..a guy should want his gf no matter what time of day…and truthfully and literally i could be naked and hed continue his game… come to find out he was talking to another girl who he said “had more things in common than us” … yea well if you play a game 60 hours a week and skype another girl…yea you will find more things to talk about with them… it was a strange last 8 months too…we hardly talked..and i knew he didnt love me anymore…but he can have his 16 year old girl…we all know there are certain hormones that make us feel a connection between ppl..and if he wants a messy relationship with a girl whos hormones are all out of wack so be it.. ill just try and find someone who is willing to have chemistry with me
Chemistry is everything. Great sense of humor and someone who knows how to not only have fun, but can take a joke and not be so serious is key for me. I once had thing going on with a guy, but I just stopped talking to him b/c there was no chemistry.
not do i because
Chemistry or the ‘it factor’ is so important. If he doesn’t have it then you’ll probably be looking for another guy who has it sooner or later.
Hate when that happens!
I recently broke it off with this guy I have great chemistry with once we’re actually IN bed – but everything else about him was pissing me off SO much for the last month and a half out of 4 months or so. One example was that even though I made sure he knew that I loved everything he did to me in bed, one night when it was really late and I was SO tired and half asleep, and I assumed he was too even though he wanted to fool around, I figured I would help him out with myself with my own hand at the same time so he wouldn’t have to work too hard, and he flipped the f*** out and started going nuts and stopped touching me and turned away from me (now that he had gotten me all excited). So I had to wake myself up enough to figure out what the hell was going on, and it finally came out that that made him feel like he “wasn’t doing a good enough job,” since his ex never liked to do anything sexually, even though we’d been together for a few months already and I always let him know that everything he did was really good. This was just bizarre. Also, he always did, not just that night, seem to choose the nights when I just was so tired and couldn’t keep my eyes open to, instead of touching me and getting me excited like he was really good at, just tell me how “surprised” he was that I didn’t want to “hook up” (a term he still used even after we were sleeping with each other, which I think is really dumb). I told him so many times to just touch me and get me excited like he was so good at, and that would wake me up more, but he just didn’t get it. There are a ton of other things that bother me about him, but even though we HAD chemistry when he actually tried to do anything, he spent way too much of the time being insulted or NOT trying to do anything, no matter how many times I told him how great everything he did was and just to touch me if he wanted to get me excited, and I just couldn’t deal with it
its horrible when this happens
Chemistry is huge! My past relationships always started off great. And then we would enter the “comfort zone” as I like to call it. It’s that point when the puppy love and overall excitement of being a new couple runs out. That’s when you start to realize your true feelings and how having things in common is what you experience with your girlfriends and your co-workers. You know what I mean? It ends up not being anything special. But if you have chemistry, then there’s something else there that nobody else can experience or understand. That’s the piece of the puzzle that you look for.
Ugh. I wished I read your response before I wrote an entire novel on this thing. Chemistry IS huge, I know.. And relationships should start off with great chemistry I feel. Great chemistry to a comfort zone is normal.. Thanks, I know my answer, I need to let this great guy go..
chemistry IS everything! I definitely agree. If there is no chemistry, its going to be kind of difficult not to try to find the next best thing..
Ah Chemistry ~ it’s such a mystery. Every seemingly great guy I get asked out by I just don’t ‘feel it’ so I end up saying no. Until one day this “amazing guy” sweeps me off my feet with sparkling chemistry, I’m totally attracted and consumed by it but down the track struggling because even though we have amazing chemistry, he just doesn’t treat me the way that I want to be treated. ie. he’s not in love. He’s not even gracious. And then he ends up leaving me 8 months down the track WTF? Call me naive but I really didn’t think all we had was chemistry.
I’ve come to the realization that you attract what you project. If you are confident, happy with yourself and your life you will attract someone who is in that space, and the same for the opposite. I think back how I was when we met and I realize that I was unsure about myself so I was attracted to someone equally unsure about their life. He treated me like a jerk. I allowed it.
Now I realize that I need time out to get my confidence back and I’m on my way up and I can finally feel attraction towards the right guys.
There will always be times where you meet a really great guy but there is no chemistry, in those instances I’d say it’s just in the genes. Science pretty much says we have preconceived notions since early childhood as to what qualities our ‘Mr Right’ will have everything down to the way they smell :p I think all else being equal we will ‘know’ when we meet that person!
What a problem to have? Ah, mon dieu! I’d trade places with her in a heartbeat.
I haven’t had the pleasure of this dilema, myself, however I have had chemistry with some royal jackholes! So I say, as long as he was attractive (not physically repulsive), “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, BY ALL MEANS, STICK IT OUT!!! It’s no different than an arranged married. He’d grow on you with time!
**correction**
I typed married–I meant marriage:-)
why is that?
sigh…
I agree–chemistry is everything! I have plenty of wonderful friends with whom I have lots in common, and I have a great family who love and support me. In a romantic relationship, if there is no chemistry, there is no romance–it may be a splendid friendship, and that’s great. But it’s not a romatntic relationship.
I recently broke up with my ex and it was kind of similar to your situation. He was what I thought I wanted but it was boring between us. I enjoyed his company but everything was the same. I finally just had to break it off with him. I needed more than that. I also ended up going back to my ex before him. This guy is everything I want but he will not put the title of couple between us. So now I’m wondering what matters more the feeling I have with him or the title of a couple? This guy is perfect on paper and in person. He treats me like a queen and dose everything a boyfriend would but he is not my boyfriend. Why do relationships have to be so complicated?
Alexis,
Have you read “He’s just not that into you”? I’m not saying your boyfriend doesn’t like you, but if you date for some time and he KNOWS the BF title is important to you and he won’t relent then there’s something wrong with this picture. The best relationships are the ones where there’s no question- you’re together and you both want to be in the same place! Good luck!
My ex and I were perfect for each other – had the same sense of humor; could finish each other’s sentences; shared similar interests. He was always supportive of me and my aspirations and I of his. We loved each other whole-heartedly. Our friends were just waiting for the wedding bells. It all seemed perfect.
BUT, opposite of the article’s author, HE didn’t want ME. Like, sexually. And he absolutely couldn’t give me a reason why (and trust me, I asked!). I’m almost 8 years younger than him and – not being conceited, just honest – way out of his league (and no, I did not point this out to him). He didn’t dump me and he didn’t purposely try to make me feel bad about this situation. Like I said, we genuinely, whole-heartedly loved each other. Ultimately, in the end, I left. It hurt too much, loving someone so much, knowing they loved me but also knowing that they didn’t WANT me with any kind of passion. Not to mention that it made me very susceptible to any male attention I received outside the relationship, a fact that landed me in a few situations that easily could have turned regrettable and painful had I not put a stop to them before they started.
Chemistry isn’t everything in a relationship, that is true. Love and respect and friendship are all very important things, but without chemistry someone is always going to feel left out in the cold and no relationship will survive in that situation.
@Lauren: I had the EXACT same thing happen to me last week. I was told I was perfect, everything he could want in a woman, and that he will probably look back on things and regret that he is ending it. Said the romance was gone (whatever the hell that means). He asked me to stay in his life – that I was a good person and he valued my friendship – that I was very important to him.
Who the heck knows what is up with these individuals…
Girl – you are not alone.
hmmmm .. did u think maybe that he had questioned his sexuality? Maybe he was too scared to get out of the closet. Could be also that he was bi-sexual, and liked men more. Just an option, not saying it was exactly that.
Chemistry is everything! That’s the force that holds a relationship together. It’s nice to have someone who has ALOT in common with you but when you are too much alike you end up basically dating yourself. That’s why the saying “Opposites Attract” is so true. That difference between the two can add some much needed spark in the relationship.