He’s Perfect, But There’s No Chemistry
In case you haven’t already realized, we have a bone to pick with some ex-boyfriends, we’ve dated some really douchey guys and survived some hilariously bad first dates here at Shecky’s. But what happens when you find a seemingly perfect man only to find that there’s no chemistry? Do you tough it out and keep trying? Or is this a deal-breaker for you? One Staffer shares her opinion.
“I sat on the couch with my boyfriend, but that was part of the problem. All we were doing was sitting on the couch. I wasn’t on his lap, his arm wasn’t around me, there was no magnetic pull calling me over to his side. I sat confined to my corner, and him to his, laughing aimlessly at some show we were watching.
Let me give you a little background on this awkward sitch—the gentleman sitting with more imaginary telephone books between us to make a whole convent happy had already confessed his love to me. He called and texted me often and on time. He showed up when he said he would. He drove me to the mall in Christmas traffic, never let me pay for a thing (from stellar Giants tickets to every beer) and turned the radio to my station even though he hated it. My family loved him, we had the same background, some of the same career aspirations. Plus, he was tall, dark and handsome.
But I didn’t feel that zing, that inseparable must-have chemistry. I didn’t want to ruffle his hair, make-out with him the second I saw him, hold him in public unaware that anyone else was looking. And the punctuality, the precise predictability of him—traits that I thought I’d always wanted in my perfect partner—became so blatantly boring when I realized just how consistent, unsurprising and unwavering he was.
The man I let go was a great person, but in the end a few couch cushions meant everything. I tried to overcome the space between us. I attempted to accept that here was this person who loved me no-holds barred, but I need that force-field feeling in a relationship. I need a Romeo with that inexplicable electricity, that inseparable, drives-me-crazy, can’t-be-without-him sentiment. Is it okay that I’ve let a few well-qualified guys go because they didn’t meet my ‘sparks’ requirement?”
GIRL TALK TIME: Have you ever been with a great-on-paper guy but found that some little something was missing? What was it like? What kind of chemistry do YOU need? What does great chemistry mean for you? Have you ever dumped a guy because there was no spark?
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Post a CommentMy boyfriend treats me like gold. I had just gone through a breakup when we met, all I said to myself was too soon and not my type. I’ll admit to this day I miss my Ex, after my current boyfriend “Jon” met the Ex Tom came back into picture. Tom and I were not perfect, but I spent almost every hour of everyday thinking of him or waiting for a text or to get out of work to go see him. Sadly, I fell into the trap, my life revolved around Tom. Jon was fun, similar personality to mine, we became friends, we went drinking, to movies, took his 3 year old son to the park/pool, and I’d tell Tom where n who I was with… Long story short, Tom n I broke up for good, irreconcilable differences, but Jon n I were friends and ONLY friends while Tom n I were on n off.
We’ll Jon n I have been together almost 2 years. He’s kind, generous, everything most guys aren’t. His son is 5 now, he’s a good kid, but I’m not and haven’t embraced mom role. Problem 1: kid, not mine n custody with the biological mother n Jon is hostile.
Problem 2: his parents don’t want to be helpful grandparents anymore during Jons working schedule, so they dump the kid on me ASAP or leave no choice.
Problem 3: Jon is shorter than me, call me a jerk, but I’m 5’8 and average weight, yeah I’d like to lose 15-20lbs but I’m not Miss Piggy…being shorter also makes him weigh less than me… I feel like a heffer half the time, even though he tells me I’m beautiful n fine the way I am.
I sound like a jerk, but I’m missing that I want to kiss you, hold you, display you in front of people as ” yup, he’s mine”
Why do I love the ones that treat me like shit and have “friend@ feelings for the good ones?
I’m going to hurt both of us ending it, it seems the kid is an issue, and I’m not drawn to kiss him 99% of the time
I’m also in the same situation, I am a single father, I’m in China with a perfect hard working kind girl who loves me and my son, thus my son 7 years old, loves her.
But No Chemistry, it’s not even me being selfish, its my heart telling me that this is a boring relationship that can’t last.
I don’t know how to break it to her. I have to soon. I hate for my son to lose her, but I’m more afraid in the future that things will get worse and more boring, I don’t want a business relationship marriage just to survive together..
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I have similar problems. I am with my partner of 17 years. He is also perfect on paper, loving, caring, loyal etc but we hardly have sex and don’t kiss passionately. I know we’ve been together a while but I’m 33!! It’s been like this for years now and after many rejections from him I no longer initiate anything as I get brushed away. I feel things have built up to the point I don’t even know if I want him to try as I feel it would be cos he knows I’m unhappy and not natural. I know it would pass and get back to this rut now. My sex drive is way higher than his and I’ve told him so many times its got to change but it never does even though we wanted kids as well.
I am in the same situation. My significant other and I, have been dating for a year now, and I just don’t have those strong “Have to have him” feelings. We’ve known each other for years, and have dated off and on since. We’re really only able to see each other once or twice a week, (Due to being busy) and even those longer stents without seeing each other, don’t bother me that much.
He’s got a great job, great future, his family loves me as does mine love him. We make each other laugh, we’re huge goofs together. We generally have a great time being out and social and having fun. The more intimate times – uhhh, hmm. It’s just not there for me, and at times, I don’t think it is for him.
He’s already said he’s crazy in love with me. He’s talking about me moving in with him soon, he wants to talk to me about getting married in the next couple of years . . . I’m sitting here thinking, “I don’t even know if I’m really all that crazy about you.” Ugh.
I can relate to every single word you wrote. I guess I am not alone in this. I also, feel like if I let him go I may regret it later at the same time, I don’t want to break his heart
but, I knew this at the begining of the relationship and continue hoping it got better and It never got better for me
I’ve never had chemistry or passion with a guy yet I still get horny and can fulfill myself. Is something wrong with me that I can’t feel anything with men? I can’t stand it. I’m 33 already! Is this hopeless?
Going through something very similar and would recommend this book called Necessary Endings – it’s been AMAZING in helping me find clarity on what to do. I’ve been dating a guy who’s basically perfect on paper and so great to me, but we’re missing that spark and we’ve honestly never had the cloud 9 feeling. It was always warm, and gentle and we kind of just melted into the relationship. The book has been really really helpful in helping me figure out 1. what matters and 2. shifting my perception on endings 3. how to figure out if this is something that needs to end – not for bad reasons, but to make way for something that fulfills both of us.
I’m terrified of looking up in 15 years in a passionless, leave it to beaver type life and marriage. Breaking up is hard, but sometimes, you have to give up ‘just okay’ now to find amazing later.
I am currently in a relationship with someone who I initially didn’t have any physical attraction to. I did love his personality, and we had alot of fun together. But nothing happening “down there” when he touched me, kissed me, anything. The first kiss wasn’t bad but I have had those sparks with a couple other guys and also had the physical attraction. When we went to the bedroom those points of attraction must have mattered because it was effortless. I consider myself to be a sexual person and in this relationship I lost that connection with myself. We were a perfect match everywhere but the bedroom but after repeted attempts in the bedroom, that feeling that something isn’t right just keeps getting bigger and bigger. We are all taught that you should really be with someone for who they are and that there values are similar to yours. But I have learned, the hard way after 5 years of suppressing “my guy” feelings that this kind of doubt is real and it is right. No matter how perfect your family thinks it is, friends, or even yourself feel it is mentally, if there is no physical chemistry u can not really become emotionally attached fully and if no fun in the bedroom you will remain unfulfilled and one day may cheat. I know at this point I have given it my all and I’m just going to read these posts over and over everytime I feel like going back. Don’t waste your time or his. Time is something you can’t get back and the more time u spend in a relationship like this the harder it is to get out, and you might be missing mr.right because u r comfortable or settling.
Use ur gut. We all know instinctively when something isn’t right.
I did the same thing I have been with a girl for almost a year but I don’t really have that physical attraction
Wow I’m so glad I found this. I met this great guy online. I wanted to get to know him before jumping into bed with him and he was totally respectful, called me every night and texted during the day. We went to dinner every Saturday. He’d stop by during the week and have dinner with me and my child. We were very emotionally connected. However, one would expect, along the way there would be some level of intimacy, not necessarily sex. The first month we kissed passitionately (mind you we only saw each other once a week; maybe twice). Then nothing after that…no intimacy. We sat on the couch many a nights. We slept in the same BED and NOTHING happened. I knew after 2.5 – 3 months something wasn’t right. We let this go 2 more months. I had ti initiate the conversation and we just dont connect in the physical sense. I have never in my life ever experienced this. I offered to get drunk just to TRY to see if theres any chemistry. It then became so awkward. we had to end it. You have to pay attention to everything. Good guy doesn’t mean good sex (or any sex in my situation). Good sex, doesn’t mean an emotionally sound relationship either. It makes me feel very unattractive and undesireable. He said he was attracted to me but doesn’t know why he never attempted ……. glad I’m not alone. Chemistry at all angles is really important.
If you say chemistry isn’t necessary, you’re lying to yourself. My boyfriend was virtually perfect. He did everything and anything for me, and for the most part, treated me like a star. But little did I know that what I thought was “chemistry” was the excitement of a new relationship, and it wore off, fast. After only three months of officially dating, I felt like something was off, something was weird. I didn’t really understand what it was, and I liked him so much so we kept going. But I stopped wanting to have sex, I stopped wanting to make out, I found myself being overly touchy-feely to see if I could FEEL anything, or maybe even to compensate for our sex life.
In the end, I couldn’t do anything. I thought he was cute, sweet, intelligent, and we had EVERYTHING in common, but I guess that’s what did us in. Nothing about him challenged me. I miss him a lot, he was my best friend. But he deserves true love, and not the artificial kind I was providing.
I am dealing with this situation at this very moment in my life, I have a guy that really like me, he opens the door for me, my can broke down once when I had an old car, and he took me and brought me a new battery for the car, he always wans to take me to diner, and the movies, or to listen to Jazz music, ect… and just the other day I wanted to be nice to him because he has no family around her, I invited him over for Thanks Giving diner, I don’t know if that was a big mistake, he kept trying to hold my hand, and kiss me, but everytime he does that I want to gag. I don’t know why I have these feels, I could never imagin ever having sex with him, the thought of it turns my stomach. he’s not an ugly guy, but just not my cup of tea. I feel like he’s a nerd, he somewhat reminds me of goofy. I know it’s not his fault, but I don’t think I should just settle for the guy that’s nice to me, just to say I have a man. I do pray that God blessing him with a really good women that will appreciate him for the man that he is. any advice.
Here is my story. In Feb 2010 i met a guy from Illinois we got to know each other by long phone conversations. July of 2010you he came to California on a 10 day vacation. Aug 2010 he left his good paying job, sold the house, boat and camper left Illinois and moved to California just so we could start a life together. Dec 2010 i got severely sick and was confined to bed rest and no sex. He took care if ne and gave me support through a very painful condition. By the middle of 2011 he was texting a friend of mine in hopes to get sexyou (i was not aware of this). He still treated me as though i was his love. By June of 2012you he let me know he had no chemistry with me and was pretending to want to be my life partner so i could go through all treatment and have hope for the future. He told me chemistry was lost because my treatments swelled me to am enormous size and he no linger saw me as a woman to have a relationship with. Presently we are still roommates and he helps me breathe at night if i stop breathing. He wants to be friends because he says he cares for me. He has a female married coworker he flirts with and they have discussed having a sexual affair. He has not yet gotten sexual with anyone and says am his primary relationship but he need a sexual partner. He wants us to live together without chemistry and if i find a man that can love me i can go for it….. can i live like this NO. Am still closing the door on this relationship which i have a hard tine doing because an still healing and need assistance. I am angry he lead me to believe i had a life partner/a loving relationship.. I AM HURT because he lost “all chemistry” fir me because i got sick.
I am and old 60 years old divorced but in a good shape and still looking for the perfect men with the perfect chemisry.
Maybe only one time in my life I liked someone that everytime I saw him I was getting butterflies in my stomach but nothing really developped anywas with him.
Well I found this nice guy , (he found me) very polity and perfect but not affectious at all. He told me that he was from a German backgrand and he did not like this touchy touchy feeling that latin likes. Well he just dumpped me because we have “no” chemistry. I feel very rejected and unloved and stuped for beliving this german concept. Is anyone out there had similar issues as far as nationalities. I think it was his excuse but based on everything I am reaing I realize maybe we had no chemistry….
Lori Gottlieb book Marry Him The Case for Settling For Mr.Good Enough is a excellent read. It is not about settling as the title suggest, it is about having realistic goals and not passing up good people. Lori talks to therapists,sociologist and single people about dating and chemistry.
So..here is my story. I’ve been single for over a year (bad breakup) had few dates in the past year. Suddenly, I met this incredible guy at work. Everything is perfect, I like him he likes me, we have a a lot of interests in common. Anyone would say we could be the perfect couple. That is until the bedroom…so we had sex a couple of times (good sex) and all of the sudden he tells me that he is not feeling the spark between us (in bed). That we should think if this is really what we want. Honestly, I felt the same…that spark…was just not there. This was the first time the spark thing happen to me. What should I do? Give it a try?? or it is just not going to work ever? Is there something like good sex without sparks?? Please advice
I met this guy from the community who I’d seen around and starting talking to over facebook. He asks me out on a date but before our first date we started talking over the phone and video skype-ing because we lived in different cities. He looks AMAZING on paper, a talented musician (one of the best in the city), an award-winning scientist, and highly accomplished (in fairness, I am also just as impressive in some ways as he is… without sounding conceited)- so when I finally met a guy who impressed me this much… I was enthralled. I created this idea of him in my head and fell in love HARD… now I know it wasn’t HIM but the idea of him that I was in love with and most of it was my imagination. We finally met in person and went on our first date… and guess what? No chemistry. Second date… low chemistry… third date… still low chemistry, we kissed, and there was a bit more chemistry there but no fireworks for sure. He parachuted out of my life shortly thereafter- and I know he knows that the chemistry was off too. I was still incredibly heart-broken because I was still hanging on to the possibility of being in a relationship with him and I always would say ‘i mourn for the lost potential’. (Compare this to another guy I dated a month after who didn’t look great on paper at all but when we were together, the chemistry in the room was off-the charts… and it was that way with most of my previous relatinships.) Can anyone on this forum offer any thoughts on why the first guy… why there was no chemistry? Did he do us both a favour by parachuting out because of the fact that there was no chemistry? Could the chemistry have been built over time? thanks so much for your thoughts!
sometime. Chemistry has to built up by time to. Whoever take slow and the relationsive. It last longer. To me it has to depend a lot of thing to and some they alway make sure they get a right one or not. Then they confuse many thing happen. so they turn their own to low chemistry To me have sex it easy like hit and run. To get to serious relationsive it will be different. So if someone there for in love with some one. Please be patient. Take time. Chemistry may come after we built relationsive
HI Ladies. I am a guy who has just broken up with my girlfriend whom I loved very much. I am dealing with some very guilty feelings.
It sounds like from these posts that there are good intentions…but I will give it to you straight from my experience.
She was pretty, loving, sensitive and a perfect match – except I felt no chemistry. I simply did not really want to kiss, be physical, etc. There was a quiet “no” inside me.
It nagged at me for a year. I’d suppress the feeling of “it’s not right” and then found myself getting annoyed, etc. She’d done nothing wrong at all.
As I kept telling myself that I “loved her” and didn’t need that chemistry….we grew to really love eachother…more and more entwined, yet is still was not right.
Here’s the problem: we are all taught that sex & love are either up in the head & heart (as if that’s the good) or down in the loins (as if that’s bad.) The truth is that there MUST be an integration of the two.
Having had some “sex only” relationships I had tried to take the nobler path of the “head and heart” as the leader.
Suddenly I had met someone (not cheated) and I was not looking to be out of the relationship with my girlfriend. But BLAM….I found something that I didn’t even want to find.
I felt immediately “this is missing from my relationship” After the most stressful month of my life having to decide which way to go in my personal life (I was determined NOT to wallow in this for years) I cut the relationship loose.
Guilt, tears and wondering if I had done the right thing followed.
I then stumbled on a GREAT book “Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay” by Mira Kirshenbaum to see if I was an a-hole and help me do the right thing…
She clearly stated in her opinion (relationship therapist 20 yrs) that TOUCH and wanting to touch are ESSENTIAL. In fact, even in a bad relationship, TOUCH can bring you back together.
Sorry girls. Without the spark, it ain’t EVER going to work.
If we could separate our heads from our bodies, maybe it would work – but we are physical sexual beings.
Lastly, building a relationship with no chemistry is like
2+2=5
5+5=10
10+10=20
20+20=40
Wait a minute….something just ain’t right!
Good luck to you all.
“the queit no”, I dont think any words have ever captured the feeling quite as well. I feel it in my chest like a strange discomfort that doesnt eminante from any physical part of my body.
I am 2 and a half years into an identical relationship, and am now at the precipice where I have to decide whether to settle or roll the dice again,.
Im curious, Now that some time has passed, how do you feel about your decision?
I believe that with love there could be mountains moved.
With honesty, acceptance and love there is no need for chemistry. It can be build up, by working on the matter.
There must be a solution. I met him, I love him and we have got the same issue, no sexual chemistry for neither of us.
We will meditate, read books and we will find a way. There must be a solution! It took us a whole year to come forward and admit it. I think this is the start….
Good sex is 20% of a relationship, bad sex is 80% of the realtionship.
I believe that with love there could be mountains moved.
With honesty, acceptance and love there is no need for chemistry. It can be build up, by working on the matter.
There must be a solution. I met him, I love him and we have got the same issue, no sexual chemistry for neither of us.
We will meditate, read books and we will find a way. There must be a solution! It took us a whole year to come forward and admit it. I think this is the start….
So are you still together?
I was just dumped becuse this chemistry thing. I guess I had more chemistry that he had for me. I feel very rejected and unloved.
I’m so glad I found this post. I’m so disappointed that I don’t feel chemistry with this wonderful man I met. We met (by accident) and had just one date before he had a long business trip, and continued to communicate regularly while he was away. I hadn’t felt chemistry on the first date but as we communicated by phone/text during his trip, we both found out we had an incredible # of interests/values/personality traits in common. Indeed, I’m not sure if I’ve EVER met a man who has had more in common with me.
He’s a terrific conversationalist, outgoing, kind-hearted, financially well off, stable, decent looking, etc. etc. And to top it off he takes a genuine interest in my own interests and career, sharing advice, offering to share contacts, make introductions, etc.
We were very much looking forward to seeing each other after he returned. The date was perfect in many ways: great conversation, food, flow. Except for one thing: lack of chemistry. HE feels chemistry — he is obviously very into me. But I cannot seem to feel a spark, as much as I WANT to feel a spark.
I am sad because it has taken me ages to meet a man who seems compatible with me, and now I worry I am making a big mistake if I walk away. After reading these articles, however, I am confirming the importance of chemistry. Now I’m curious to research the chemistry of love: why are our brains wired this way? Why oh why???
I have exactly the same problem. I am shocked to see so much understanding of the situation on here as no one I know can understand what I am talking about! I met a lovely gentleman that seemed perfect for me on paper, but nooooooooooo chemistry! That wears on both parties after a short time. I don’t really even enjoy being with him! I want to feel it for him but I don’t so I can see now after reading all this that I need to let him go forever. Not easy as we have had a fair time and he is very good to me.