Should I Forgive My Ex-Best Friend?
Yeah, National Girlfriend Awards are all about celebrating how great your girlfriends are, but while we’re nominating our amazing pals, we can’t help but think about some of the friends who’ve done us wrong. One of our Staffers went through a pretty bad BFF break-up. Now her friends want her to get back together with her former friend. Should she? In what cases are friendship reconciliations okay?
“My ex-BFF/former roommate, let’s call her Katie, was so fun and the epitome of the Best Life of the Party Girlfriend. Any day of the week was an excuse to dress up, spray our hair into funky hairdos, go out, have a wild time, take silly Facebook photos, flirt with cute fellas…. We would have the best and most hilarious stories the morning after (so Best Reality TV Girlfriend Crew of us!).
Katie was amazing, until about a year into our BFF-ship. Sadly, she developed an eating disorder and all of her drama-free spirit went down the drain. Of course, I supported her and was so proud when she was strong enough to get professional help.
But the more I learned about my best friend, the more I realized how complicated she was. Being the Best Supporting Girlfriend I always try to be (nominations for that award are closed now, but check back for finalists and voting on Sunday), I was there at 5am with tissues, hugs and encouraging words. But the more I went out of my way for her, the more she seemed to totally disregard anyone but herself.
Yes, I knew she had a lot going on, but it seemed like she was downright disrespecting and using me. From leaving her dirty clothes on my bed (ew, and plus why had she been snooping through my stuff?!), to taking my things without permission (…and leaving crushed cigarettes in my Louis Vuitton clutch), to begging me to lie and cover up for her when she started doing shady stuff (she was the ‘other woman’ amongst other things), she seemed really selfish. I tried to confront her a few times, but she brushed me off and got rude. I felt betrayed and weird, especially since I’d spent so much time helping her through hard stuff, but I kept telling myself to be understanding and sympathetic. How could I call her out? That would be so selfish of me!
When she refused to show up at my birthday party saying she was ‘tired,’ I accepted it. But when my friend showed me an email from Katie saying that she didn’t want to go to my party because she thought it would be lame, I lost it a little bit more. The breaking point was when she cheated on her boyfriend with her ex-boyfriend (who was my friend) and caused a scandal when she emailed his then-girlfriend with all the dirty details.
That’s when I lost all respect and decided to cut her out of my life for good. She eventually started spending less time at our place since I would ignore or avoid her, and she ultimately moved out to live with her boyfriend (who took her back after the cheating mishap). Today, some of our mutual friends have rekindled the friendship, but I just don’t know if I can take her back. I’m so sympathetic about her problems, but she was also selfish, overwhelming and disrespectful. It’s been over two years. Even Paris and Nicole got back together. Should I give her another chance?”
GIRL TALK TIME: Should our Staffer forgive her friend and let her back into her life? Or does her friend have serious issues that she shouldn’t deal with? Have you ever been through a BFF break-up? What happened? Did you get back together? What is a friendship deal-breaker for you?
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85 Comments
Post a CommentIt really is comforting to see that I’m not the only one whose experienced such a similar situation. Where it’s not just one thing that the person did but an accumulation of things she did that after years of giving the benefit of the doubt, points towards a level of disrespect and total self indulgence accompanied with the disregard for others.
Not that I would wish the same thing upon others, its just sometimes i really don’t know what to do. My head and my heart say different things. But listening to my head post break up has been a good thing for me in the past i think. I just broke it off with my bff three months ago, after three years of BS. It started with small BS, where i kind of made excuses for her then, and then i finally opened my eyes when a mutual gf was being mistreated in the same way. It wasn’t just me or the situation, my bff has different values than me on a fundamental level I realized. I don’t know if we can ever be truly close friends again. Though it’s possible for us to be friends on a fun superficial level I know it is. But who wants a superficial relationship, right? Shouldn’t our time be invested in those who have honestly good vibes in mind for us and vice versa? But then again, love is love. I never like to shut myself off from others completely. Cuz we all get to a bad spot sometimes where we might do somethings where we never thought we’d do and ask for forgiveness then. Even though practically speaking part of me is like look, focus on having honestly good people in your life. Not peeps that have already burned you in the past.
Sometimes, its just best to keep it moving, as some others have advised her my little sister long ago, when she was still in high school and had her first taste of drama with girls who were once her good friends. I told her that in life, we sometimes find ourselves in toxic relationships, not just with guys, but with those who we once thought of as sisters. While you should stick with your friends who are going to tough times, absolutely, after a while, if it’s one backstabbing moment after another and they have shown they can’t be trusted, cause more grief than happiness in your life and are just plain users, ditch them. Forgive and move on, but never forget. Save your time and effort for those who are really worthy and just because you go way back together, doesn’t mean that person is destined to be in your life forever.
Never leave your boy toy unattended
keep it movin girl,it will never be the same
Unfortunately, I’ve got a bit of a situation with a friend. I didn’t respond or say anything in a timely manner about her losing her job. Since then we haven’t talked. It’s awkward.
You should always try to forgive because you just never know when it will be you who needs to be forgiven. However, forgiveness does not mean that the friendship will be the same.
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Rekindle but dont be as available as you usually were. She needs to work to get your request back!
I had a fall out with my BFF a while back, nothing to this extreme, but we said some pretty harsh things to each other. it took about a year for us to finally speak, i took the first step and contacted her. I know our friendship will never be like it was before because of what happened, but i am glad to have her as my friend again and so is she. we missed the good times we shared. Life is too short to be angry or hold grudges. Forgive her, some people just dont know how to be a good friend but that doesnt mean they are bad people in general.
I went through something similar with my former best friend. She started smoking, then became anorexic.. then started doing hardcore drugs and dropped out of school and got kicked out of her house. That was our junior year in highschool. And now, she has tried multiple times to come back to me and has apologized for the nasty things she said to me and how she downed my Christian faith and for her trying to get me to partake in her fowl play. I forgive her now, and will always care for her because she was my BFF for so long, but I will never let her be as close to me as she once was. I limit communication with her but don’t blow her off completely.
If you were close enough, you would forgive her…..
It doesn’t seem like she did anything really F@#! 2 you…so brush it off and move on…and yes with her by ur side….
I would say you could rekindle the friendship, but acknowledge you have limitations with this friendship. Maybe one day she will actually see your real worth or value…it is sad, but some friends do not see or possess the qualities that you have. These qualities are natural for you and in others this may spark jealousy or hate towards you. You can only be who you are and from what I read seems like she may be jealous of you maybe because of the strength you have or the things you possess. All I can say is it happens and never allow this negativity to pull you down. I believe that in all friendships, we need separation for personal growth and a lasting friendship. Remember to know your limits!!!! Maybe you can meet up in public places and hang out nothing personal like being at your home because you mentioned she goes through your things. Well I hope all works out and take care!
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Keep it moving. It’s not personal at this point. You’ve made your decision. After reading the information, I don’t see where you state she has made an effort to reach out to you for forgiveness. If she has, fine forgive and move on. If she has not, fine. Forgive her in your heart and move on. People come into your life for a reason. Use that experience to grow. Learn from it so you will know how to treat or not treat others. You will recognize a true BFF as you get older. When I was younger, everyone was my BFF. I’m in my 40′s and I’ve got 2 BFF’s and we’ve already agreed to be sent to the same nursing home when we get in our 80′s. Now that’s a BFF!!
Staffer: be cordial, but don’t be friends.
My senior-year BFF and I moved out (moved in?) together when we were 20 and instantly disliked each other. She left me high and dry in many ways. After 3 years of friendship and many adventures, we split up after 4 months! After she got married (I was her bridesmaid only because her mom hated her then-current BFF), the only time she’d call me is when she needed a babysitter so she could go out with her other friends. Yeah, right! (and she lived about an hour away from me by then.)
Twenty years later she finds me on some alumni site and after I put it off for a long time we finally get together for lunch – and she has no memory of any of our significant times together. Amazing. We’re “FB friends” but not “friends” if you get what I mean.
Keep friends close and enemies even closer. Stay associates, things will never be the same. We all grow and sometimes we out-grow our friends( then they become associates)
I hate drama and I deal with the non-sense accordingly! Advise only when your advice is requested and even then limit it to the basis. I love my Girlfriends but I refuse to lose them over “BS”. Give advice lovingly but truthfully.
I had a similar situation with an EX-BFF. They don’t change. Once you forgive them, all that BS will come back in one way or another. It’s like an ex-boyfriend; you guys broke up for a reason to begin with. I say just leave things alone as it is and continue to move on with your life. Life is more peaceful with that kind of drama. Move forwards, not backwards.
i mean… WITHOUT that drama! sorry!
Sometimes as we grow older we may have to realize that friendships do fall apart, If this friend takes up too much of your energy and everything is a production as if your making a film or documentary then is best if you leave it alone. Respect is the key of keeping a friendship and if that has gone to waste, then everything went to shits. Nothing will ever be the same.